Living Happily Ever After

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Phone Calls and Boys, I Mean, Men

“America’s best buy is a telephone call to the right man.” (Ilka Chase)

The right man calling me on the phone has been sort of a struggle for me.

I was about 12 when the phone became a nuisance in my life. A boy I didn’t “like” called me several times each week after school. Each time he’d call, I’d tell my mom to tell him I wasn’t home. She’d look at me, say, “I’m not going to lie—YOU tell him!” and hand me the phone. Then the awkward conversation would begin until I’d make up an excuse and hurriedly hang up.

It was that same pattern for years: Joe, Joestes, Espada, Rick, Wes, a young man in college who called before I was even old enough to date…I can’t remember the names of all the “wrong” boys who called me during my youth. It seemed like the right one never would. But then, when I was 15 years old and the boy I “liked” actually liked me at the same time, the phone began to mean something new! The history of my relationship with phones was pretty good from that time on through college, especially when the young man I  loved moved to Bolivia for two years when I was 20 and 21 years old and I lived for his twice-yearly telephone calls! In 1989, I married (someone else), and for 20 years, took calls from a husband. I’ll probably never get phone calls like his again in my life–from his “office” where he was “working;” and from unique destinations via satellite phone connections all around the world as he traveled “for business”–England, Tanzania, Etheopia, South Africa, Zambia, Cameroon, Zimbabwe, Austria, Russia, Armenia, Germany, Switzerland, Belgium and more. And then I got divorced.

After that much time had passed, though, dating, romance, phones, EVERYTHING about being single, had changed! Communication was an entirely different scene. There was even a phenomenon known as “Love Language” that had been invented. Most men didn’t call me on the phone, they emailed, instant messaged and texted me. All of the time. Morning, noon and night. I woke up to “Good Morning” texts, I went to sleep to “Goodnight” texts and everything in between. I got some interesting and unsolicited photo texts. I got some stalker texts. I even got one marriage proposal text. (Really. I promise, I don’t make this stuff up—it is 100% my unexpected life!)

Apparently, “Texting is a way to remind your partner that you’re thinking about him or her throughout the day…Send them whenever you please!” (Cellphones, “Good To Know”)

I didn’t have a lot of time to talk on the phone anyway. I worked all day, so in the evenings I needed to be free to talk to my children. I didn’t have time to talk to men on the phone for hours. I realized that early into my return to the singles scene, when a man called me a lot and wanted to talk on the phone…every night…for hours…and I just couldn’t take it. I suggested he email or text instead as I didn’t have time for telephone chit chat because I needed to spend time with my children, and that was pretty much the last I heard from him!

Now you have the 411 on phones and the singles scene today.

Eventually I narrowed the texts down to one man, Bachelor #5 (sometimes known as Agent M.)

Although, “Easy is to occupy a place in a telephone book. Difficult is to occupy someone’s heart; know that you’re really loved,” (Carlos Drummond de Andrade) let’s just say #5 doesn’t only occupy a spot in my contact lists, he occupies my heart! But even he doesn’t call that much–he texts, emails and talks to me in person—the perfect man for a woman who doesn’t like to waste time talking to men on the phone when she’d rather be with them in person!

We’ve been engaged for 8 1/2 months now and I have to say things were pretty quiet on the phone/texting front the first four months of my engagement. And then unexpectedly one night, I heard from the Stalker. Again. Out of the blue he contacted me, I told him I was engaged, and things were silent. From that moment on. Until the other night.

I love phones! (Not.) Their connections are so unexpected.

I received a mystery text, “Are you married yet?” Followed one hour later by, “Hi,” questions about where I was (home), was I going to bed (nope, too much housework), and an invitation to meet for a drink! I thanked him for asking, but told him I was still engaged. He said, “Oh, I did not know you were engaged,” (guess he forgot about the previous 9 months), then “When are you getting married?”

Isn’t THAT the million dollar question? And it came to me, courtesy of a phone. And my Stalker!

“I’m not just any stalker, I’m YOUR stalker.” (Unknown)

Every four months. Like clockwork. In my unexpected life.

What wasn’t unexpected, however, was #5′s response to the following question: “So, when you’re engaged, does that mean it’s inappropriate to meet a stalker for a drink?” He shook his head and smiled at me, made a joke about my “friendly” dating past, and we both laughed as he said, “Andrea, you’re NOT going!”

I sort of expected that.

Out of The Blue

You have to give life credit for a few things.

For one, it’s a master of  the unexpected. (THAT is an understatement, huh? Case in point: this blog.)

Sometimes, just when you think you can’t possibly have another unexpected development, there will be one. Sometimes it involves your children. Other times it involves family or career or health or friends. Occasionally it might even involve man friends–if you happen to have my freakish “good” luck.

“O, what men dare do! what men may do! what men daily do, not knowing what they do!” (William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing)

Last month, several months after my engagement to Bachelor #5 (in fact, if his original wedding plan had worked out, I’d have been married) I got a text message.

Completely out of the blue.

“You married or single?”

He’s Ba-ack! (Hint: Read with Jack Nicholson’s “The Shining” lilting emphasis.)

The Stalker.

I told him I was single, and before I could explain further, his texts began to fly. When I could finally get a text in, I clarified I was not married, but engaged. His texts ended as quickly and unexpectedly as they had come. And in his haste, he must have forgotten to tell me how happy he is for me! The Stalker hasn’t been seen or heard from again.

Later that SAME evening, I heard from The Ghostbuster. “Who you gonna call?” I guess, Andrea Merriman. He was friendly, gave me the update on his life (as if 6-7 months of no communication wasn’t indicative of where things stood from my end) and finally asked how I was.

“Engaged,” I replied.

The conversation ended. Not even a “congratulations,” heartfelt or otherwise. I haven’t heard from him again either.

“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” (Mae West)

No thanks.

“I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” (Johnny Nash)

What’s Your Language?

“French is the language that turns dirt into romance.” (Stephen King)

For anyone as clueless as I was, let me teach you about communication. The language of love, to be exact.

Although I had a happy marriage for 20 years (until it ended due to the criminal activity of Shawn Merriman and the Ponzi scheme he perpetrated) knowledge of the language of love is something I was never privy to–until I became single.

When I was single the first time, in the 1980s, I remember the basic questions every guy asked when you met him: What’s your name? Where are you from? What’s your major? The next time I was single, last year in 2009 and in 2010, the questions had changed to: How long were you married? Why did you get divorced? What’s your love language?

Twenty years. That’s complicated and a long story, but here goes. My WHAT?

Maybe I’m the only married woman who was never in touch with her language of love, because she didn’t realize there was such a thing, but there’s actually a book about it called “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. The men I dated introduced me to it. After a few dates, I could converse with men about it and answer their question, although I’d never read the book. (I waited until after I got engaged to Bachelor #5 to read the book. Cross another item off my list of over 30 things I need to accomplish before I marry. Now I think I’ve achieved…three!)

Just wanted to give you a heads up about what you’re going to need to know if you’re going to live an unexpected single life today. You’ve got to know about it so you can not only answer the preliminary dating questions you’ll be asked, but so you can communicate with the single people you socialize with. The married people I’ve introduced to it have found it interesting, as well, so…what’s your language?

“I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.” (Jane Wagner)