Living Happily Ever After
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The Unexpected Life We Call Halloween

Date: October 31, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with.  C.B. is such a loser.  He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.” (Chris Rock)

Sometimes the unexpected life feels like Halloween.

You’re thrust into a situation that feels strangely akin to a nightmare. It’s dark. You’re afraid. You can’t figure out how you got there. You wonder how you’ll ever overcome all of the scary things that jump out at you around every corner. And the best part? You feel like such a loser.

I wish I had all of the secrets and answers to dealing with the unexpected life. A magic formula that takes the fear away, boosts self-esteem so no one feels like the loser I did and makes success despite the unexpected obstacles guaranteed. Unfortunately, I don’t think anything like that exists. If it did, there would be no unexpected life.

But here’s one thing that helped me: despite my unexpected life, I didn’t change my goals. I had to adjust my expectations regarding my starting point, how long it would take me to achieve them and I had to acknowledge I would be reaching my goals in entirely different ways; but I didn’t abandon them.

My mom taught me that. She said unexpected things happen, but you have to keep living and striving to reach your goals. For example, you might be a college student with a “scholarship” funded by your father–when he dies unexpectedly in an airplane crash and you lose not only your parent, but your source of advice, your biggest fan and your financial backing for everything. In the unexpected life, it’s vital that you don’t quit; you can’t abandon your goal. You just have to figure out new ways to achieve it. You sell your car, you get a job, you get a second job, you take as many credit hours as you possibly can and go to classes year-round to finish faster, you don’t take a vacation, you quit shopping; you do whatever it takes to graduate with your degree. (I promise, it will serve you well when the next phase of your unexpected life hits decades later! So NEVER abandon your goal.)

By not quitting, you are on the path to eventual greatness. “Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has overcome to reach his goals.” (Dorothy Height)

When my unexpected life hit last year, quitting wasn’t an option. As much as in some moments I felt like walking off into the sunset alone and dropping off the face of the earth, I couldn’t let myself do that. I knew what was expected of me, I knew the right response, I had children who needed me, I had my children to set an example for, so I had to carry on. My goals remained the same: raise a strong and united family; help my children grow to become law abiding (o.k., so I added that to my goals–I hadn’t considered any other course was an option prior to my ex-husband breaking the law!) productive, capable, self-reliant adults; educate my children; and achieve happiness, seeking to be happy all along the way. In other words, create a “happily ever after.”

Doing all of that can be difficult. Scary is an understatement. Some days you don’t know how it will be possible, how things will fall into place the way you need them to. In fact, sometimes they don’t, and you have additional challenges to overcome. But you press forward anyway, power through the hard stuff, try to smile along the way and hopefully, eventually, walk out into the light!

It’s no secret. Some moments all you can do is pray, seek to find something to be grateful for, “go to work” and endure the rest until you overcome.

But I promise it’s worth it.

Like the end of every episode of “Scooby Doo,” when the ghosts and monsters have been quashed and Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby are rolling down the highway in The Mystery Machine and everything’s groovy again, it will be that way again for you, too. One day you’ll have employment, a roof over your head, food on the table, you’ll see your children thriving despite everything and that they’ve learned important things that will serve them well the rest of their lives, that the smiles are real again and that you’re happy. Possibly happier and more content than you’ve ever been. (And if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll even have a Bachelor #5 or an Agent M to boot!)

Who knows? In the unexpected life, EVERYTHING is possible!

“Hold on, man.  We don’t go anywhere with “scary,” “spooky,” “haunted,” or “forbidden” in the title.”  (Scooby-Doo)

Except…in the unexpected life.

The Bachelor I Never Dated

Date: August 3, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

Any scary story lovers out there?

If so, grab a flashlight and read this to yourself in your spookiest voice! I forgot to mention one man in my single life–then, in the 1980s, and now. Although I never dated him, seeing him again was completely unexpected!

When I was single the first time, there was a man around campus who turned out to be infamous among the college girls. He was tall, blonde, handsome, athletic, well-dressed, seemed like a total dream…unless you had the misfortune to date him. I can’t recount the girls I knew–roommates, acquaintances, friends who went out with him once and returned from the date with a different impression of him. They called him The Molester. (Coincidentally, it rhymed with his first name.)

Looking back, I wonder if any of them told anyone other than girl friends? I mean, I never dated him but I knew of him. I just never thought to wonder if anyone had told someone in authority who could help put a stop to his behavior.

Years later, as a married woman, I was talking to a friend about the good old days of college, experiences and stories of people we knew and she mentioned The Molester. She had dated him! She couldn’t believe I knew about him, knew his name, knew what he did, etc…(I’m telling you, he got around!)

So imagine my shock when I am at the first Sunday night meeting for singles I attended after my divorce and beginning my unexpected life (the one my pastor asked me to participate in because he thought the people there would be of a better caliber than those who go to singles dances!) and up the aisle walks The Molester!

I about fell off the bench!

He was a little bit heavier, and his blonde hair was a little bit darker, but other than that he looked so much the same I knew EXACTLY who he was. Twenty years later and he is still single (no surprise, there) but still walking around freely? THAT, I couldn’t believe!

I thought I had to have been mistaken.

There was a “hostess” sitting by me. (Hosts and hostesses are people who attend the singles functions and wear special gold badges. They are designated event helpers assigned to be friendly to others. They mingle, they help in any way they can, you can talk to them, ask them anything, they’ll introduce you to people, etc…) So I asked her for help. “Excuse me, but is that man ___?” (I named his name.)

She looked at me strangely and said, “I don’t know who he is, I don’t even know his name, but I DO know you should stay away from him. DO NOT get near him! And whatever you do, don’t date him! That’s all I know.”

I couldn’t believe it. Twenty years later and infamous for apparently all of the same reasons.

Later, at a singles dance, I saw The Molester again. He walked toward me, looked me right in the eye as he approached, and I stared right back at him. I knew who he was. In the middle of our visual exchange, a MAN near me walked over and said, “Stay away from that man. There is something wrong with him. He is not safe.” Protectively, the man stood really close to me (like a bodyguard) and stared at The Molester until he moved on to ask someone else to dance.

I guess that’s the difference between then and now. Even men know about The Molester now.

I never did date him. I must not have been his type. And in this new single life, I still haven’t dated him (haven’t even danced with him.) Thank goodness I’m not his type.

And THAT is the story of the bachelor I never dated.

A little spooky, isn’t it?

Ok. Turn the flashlight off. On to better things.

There’s another person I haven’t told you about. Meeting this person was VERY unexpected. But what did I expect living…my unexpected life?

Bachelor #_: Cyber Stalker

Date: June 29, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

Before I leave the topic of stalker men, I think I’ll share the scariest online experience I had as a newly single, testing out the whole online scene, divorced mother and sole parent and support of four children living in Utah.

A Cyber Stalker.

To this day, I don’t know who he was or how he found me.

All I know is that late one night, I was sitting at my computer, innocently checking my messages, when I heard a crackling sound. It took me a minute to process it, and I heard shuffling and other noises while I continued to check my email. Then I heard someone cough.

It was late at night, I was the only one awake at my house. I was sitting in front of my computer wearing my pajamas and glasses. The cough was very unexpected, and it came from right by me.

It made me jump.

I looked on my screen and I saw a window open, with a round-faced, dark-haired man wearing glasses and a mustache sitting in his home (or some location I’ve never seen before) peering down at me. Looking at me!

I may be 42 years old, but I move fast when I need to. I dove under the desk! My heart was pounding. Who was that man? And how had he connected to my computer? And how was he able to see me, sitting at home in my own house?

From underneath the desk I grabbed the keyboard and mouse and moved to close the window. And then I accessed the online site and blocked the man whose name appeared on the screen. To this day, I don’t know how the man did what he did. But it freaked me out!

I asked the I.T. guy, Bachelor #7, how that was possible and he didn’t have an answer for me. He just told me I was wise to block someone like that.

Farewell to my Cyber Stalker. He wasn’t even worthy of a number, in my opinion. I’m not sorry to see him go.

NOW…on to Bachelor #9.