Living Happily Ever After
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Date: July 12, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“No date on the calendar is as important as tomorrow.” (Roy W. Howard)

Tomorrow.

July 13.

Two years to the day I got divorced, loaded my youngest children and two dogs in my new-to-me-but-used Subaru and drove to Utah without a backward glance at my home, neighborhood, former life or home state of Colorado.

A new beginning.

That’s what I had to make.

A new life.

That’s what I was desperate to create.

A few nights ago, my middle son reminded me the anniversary of an important day was coming. “Mom, in just a few days we will have lived in Utah TWO YEARS. Can you believe it? July 13!” (I guess that date had an impact on my children that I hadn’t realized.)

I can’t believe I’ve lived in Utah two years,although thankfully, the number of times I dial “303″ when trying to call a Utah number is dramatically decreasing. But what I really can’t believe is all that we’ve experienced, all that we’ve been blessed with, in such a short amount of time.

It has been QUITE a ride.

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.” (Albert Einstein)

Green Thumb? Not So Much…

Date: July 11, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“I like flowers. I also like children, but I do not chop their heads and keep them in bowls of water around the house.” (George Bernard Shaw)

I hadn’t been married to #5 too long when he brought up the subject of house plants. ”I notice you don’t have a single house plant,” he commented. “Is there a reason?”

Yes.

I am “plant challenged.” I have never been big into live plants inside a house. I appreciate them in the homes of others, I just can’t keep them alive in my own. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t talk to them, or because I forget about them for periods of time, or if I don’t water them enough or if I’ve never had the right facing windows to provide optimal sunshine.

But rather than beat myself up over something I clearly have no talent with, I’ve chosen to look at it in this light: I don’t have house plants and it’s ok, because I’m growing children.

So not too long ago, #5 took me to a nursery and we purchased a hanging basket of flowers for our front porch. We brought it home, hung it up, watered it (we thought) and thoroughly enjoyed it for one full week—until we found it hanging there, dried and dead and lifeless, approximately 8 days after we purchased it.

My husband looked at me, shook his head and lamented about the money we had (basically) thrown away, although he felt a little less sad when I reminded him that although we’d looked at the $60 and $100 hanging arrangements, we had purchased one in the $20 (or less) price range. Not as painful a loss as it might have been. We both shook our heads and laughed at the fact that we couldn’t keep a basket of flowers alive for more than one week.

And then it hit me. We have 8 children: his oldest turned 24 years old last week, his second oldest turns 22 years old this week, I have an 18 year old, he has an almost-17 year old, I have a 16 year old, he has a 13 year old, I have an 11 year old, my youngest is 5 years old…and we’ve managed to keep ALL of them alive! (A bigger achievement for some than others, I admit. For example, my youngest is a VERY BUSY kid and always has been. It has taken not just our entire family but all of our friends and neighbors to help us keep him safe. In fact, since the divorce, his father has called me from prison on each of our son’s birthdays to congratulate me and the rest of the family on keeping the youngest alive for another year. A bit of light hearted humor based on some truth!)

Thank goodness we’re better parents than gardeners or florists!

Our children are happy and accounted for. I am blessed beyond anything I could have imagined for myself two years ago.

I think about that each time I walk by that basket of dead flowers—still hanging on the porch, by the way. I’m going to take it down and throw it away in a few days… on July 13. (A landmark day in its own right.) And I’ll continue to enjoy each of our children, and what flowers and plants I am able to keep alive.

“How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers.” (Mother Teresa)


A Conversation I Never Expected

Date: July 5, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Nice duds. What is that, lederhosen?” (“Leprechaun 3″)

Life is full of the unexpected. We have experiences we never expected to have; we sometimes end up in places we never planned to be.

I’ve lived through some very major unexpected moments and some that were easier to embrace–like a very minor one I had the other day. In the form of a conversation. The day my new husband came home from work and asked, “Tell me, how do you feel about lederhosen?”

Lederhosen?

They’re what every wife dreams of her husband wearing, right? Prior to my unexpected life, I admit I’d never given lederhosen much thought. But I have now. Because as it turns out, my husband will be wearing some when he appears in this summer’s 2011 summer theater production of “The Sound of Music” at Sundance resort in Utah. And as an added bonus, it’s even…embroidered!

Lederhosen. For sure, something I never expected to have to have an opinion about. But it provided me with a very unforgettable second marriage moment #17, and it has also caused me to revise my expectations for the future. Now I know he’ll wear them, and I’m sure he’ll look very handsome in them, but I still never  expect to hear,  ”I very much like vearing ze lederhosen.” (Ross Noble: Sonic Waffle)

I’ll keep you posted.

Second Marriage Moment #16

Date: July 4, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Who dares to teach must never cease to learn.” (John Cotton Dana)

Second marriage moment #16? Teaching a marriage and family relations class together.

I had to laugh when our pastor asked #5 and me to teach the course. Yes, we do have 40 years of marriage experience between us but… we also have two divorces.

We’re halfway through our assignment now and I recommend it to everyone, regardless of how long you’ve been married. What a great way to begin a marriage: with a marriage relations class!

We’ve been reminded of a lot, we’ve learned some new things and as it turns out, it has also been a fabulous way to fix “little things.” For example, rather than telling your partner about a potential issue, you can just have them teach the part of the lesson about it and it’s taken care of without you ever having to say a word!

“Learn everything you can, any time you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.” (Sarah Caldwell)

Learning is how we grow. I’m so grateful that life (and marriage) is a continual process of learning; it keeps things interesting AND fun.

Life Is Like A Soap Opera (Sometimes)

Date: June 20, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“You’ve got to realize that any lady on a soap is devoting her life to it, 24/7.” (Joan Van Ark)

I spent the majority of my years living a life of quiet obscurity: not a lot of trauma, drama or upheaval. In fact, truth be told, I probably prided myself on my normalcy and the lack of drama in my existence. However in 2009, when my world ended suddenly and publicly, that changed. I had trauma, drama, AND upheaval, coupled with grief, loss and a host of other hard things. But I got through it. And I looked forward to the day things would settle down and I wouldn’t feel like I was living a soap opera.

Instead, I found that life as a single mother, the “singles scene,” an engagement, blending children from two different families, remarriage and other experiences (and people) seemed to continue the…drama. One day, while chatting with my sister about the latest development (aka. learning experience), she laughed. I asked her what was so funny.

She replied, “Just that your life is SUCH a soap opera–and how horrified by it you are! Don’t worry about it!”

That’s life, isn’t it? Occasionally, life can feel like a soap opera. The important thing is doing the best with what you’ve got, doing what you believe is best for you and doing what you know to be right. Don’t get hung up on anything else–the drama, the antagonists or the latest challenging scene.

The soap opera called life.

But…”If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.” (Judy Garland)

Love, Marriage, Eyebrows…Or The Lack Thereof

Date: June 19, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.” (Jonathan Carroll, “Outside the Dog Museum”)

I haven’t run across a field into #5′s arms yet. However, as for the whole “walking carefully” thing, it’s a little too late for that.

Due to a tiny, pink Panasonic “personal” trimmer.

Because I own one, and finally put the battery in it and decided to test it out.

It has been awhile since I’ve shaped my eyebrows, so I thought that would be a perfect project for my little pink trimmer. Consumer report: It worked really well. It was easy to use. I was impressed with its trimming capability.

Until my arm slipped.

And before I knew what was happening, I had shaved off half of my right  eyebrow!

It was one of THOSE moments.

I stood there, staring in the mirror, filled with horror at what I’d done. Then I remembered: I’m married now;  WHAT was my husband going to say? (Note to self: Not a wise mistake any time, but especially when you’re a newlywed AND turning 44 years old. You’d think you’d have the hang of eyebrow grooming by the time you reach middle age! Apparently…unless you’re me.)

That evening, when I saw my husband and he asked me what I’d done that day, I REALLY had something to report! I don’t think it’s what he expected to hear I’d been up to, but he had the good grace, following his initial shock and disbelief, to shake his head and laugh (despite the fact we were on our way to an anniversary party for his talent agency, Utah’s TMG, to spend the evening with actors and models! JUST what you want to do and where you want to go, particularly after you’ve shaved off half of one eyebrow!)

Second marriage moment #15. Having to tell my new husband of less than 4 months that I’m missing half an eyebrow.

I never expected that.

Flowers: A Sign of Healing

Date: June 18, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“I hate flowers – I paint them because they’re cheaper than models and they don’t move.” (Georgia O’Keefe)

Unlike Georgia, I love flowers. I love to smell them. I love to see them. I love to plant them. A big part of my life has always been planting flowers every year–as a girl, I loved helping my mom plant flowers each spring; and I’ll never forget my first spring as a married woman, living in my own home, planting my first flowers.

However, when I entered my unexpected life two years ago, I gave up a few things (and I’m not talking about the “things” seized by the federal government.) For example, I didn’t play the piano for awhile. And then when I reached a point where I did play the piano again, I realized some healing had taken place.

It wasn’t always a conscious decision. Sometimes, as I healed and began doing something I hadn’t done in awhile again, I realized what had happened.

I had one of those unexpected epiphanies the other day.

It came as a result of a trip to a nursery. We, #5 and I, bought what we needed to plant a small garden, along with some flowers to plant in the yard. I spent part of an afternoon planting all of the flowers, thoroughly enjoying myself. And when I was done, I admired what I had created. I felt so energized and that feeling lasted all day.  I even had the thought, “Wow, I feel like my ‘old self’ again.” And then it hit me.

For the first time in my unexpected life, I planted flowers.  For the first time, since spring 2008, I planted flowers! I marveled at the healing. I mean, I didn’t plant flowers because money was so short but also because I had no energy or inclination to–I had too many other things to wade through, to take care of, to worry about and flowers were the least of my problems. Like so many other things from my former life, I guess I thought that flower planting part of my life was over. I didn’t have jewels anymore, my children were my jewels. I didn’t grow flowers anymore, I was raising children.

But somehow, miraculously (to me), the new life with which I have been blessed is full, complete and it even includes flowers. I am healed. I realize, again, that Andrea Merriman is back! Only it’s Andrea Ramsey now. And she’s planting flowers!

“Flowers really do intoxicate me.” (Vita Sackville-West)

P.P.S. To The News

Date: June 17, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“You know, I have guys that are almost stalkers… it is very strange. I had this one guy that e-mailed me off my site, and thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He then came to my house in London, I do not know how he found it.” (Caprice Bourret)

After the KSL news story last week, I also heard from a man I’d only danced with at a singles dance one night–never dated. He contacted me to tell me he saw my story on t.v., reminded me we’d danced at a singles dance and detailed our conversation.

Before I could respond, he contacted me again, told me he saw my story on t.v., reminded me we’d danced at a singles dance, detailed our conversation and said he never shared personal information like I had…until he’d gotten older.

Hmmm. I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Was he telling me I am old? (I guess I can’t argue with that. After all, my middle son already informed me last year that I “shattered his childhood illusion of having a young mother” when he found out I’m not in my thirties–I’m turning 44 this summer.)

But before I could respond, he contacted me again, told me he saw my story on t.v., said he never shared personal information until he’d gotten older, reminded me we’d danced at a singles dance, detailed our conversation and said the next time he saw me I was with a man and walked by without saying anything. If I remember right, he also contacted me one more time to say he “guessed” I was married now.

Every message had been sent so rapidly (like every half hour), I hadn’t had time to respond to them. However, I knew what to say to that last comment: Yes, I am remarried, SO happy and consider myself so blessed to have found #5!

But what I didn’t reveal is that there is a high probability the man-who-for-a-minute-there-almost-gave-the-appearance-of-a-sort-of-stalker might see me at a single’s dance again–if he’s looking. You see, since our marriage, #5 and I actually have been to one, one night when we were in the mood to dance but didn’t want to go to a rowdy club…and we’ll probably do so again sometime!

I mean, “We’re fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.” (Japanese proverb) 

Right?


A P.S. To The News

Date: June 16, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

Lesson from the unexpected life:  ”Never floss with a stranger.” (Joan Rivers) Or even friend them!

The first time I did a media interview regarding my unexpected life and what I had learned, I was overwhelmed by the (mostly) positive response to what I shared. Many kind people, most of them strangers to me, even a few of my former husband’s Ponzi scheme victims that I’d never known, contacted me with kind comments.

The following day I received many Facebook friend requests–from men I didn’t know.

I admit, I was a little clueless. I looked at the pictures that accompanied their requests and wracked my brain for their connection to me. I couldn’t figure out how my mind was so blank regarding people I knew. (I had to know them, I mean, they knew a lot of personal stuff about me!) I kept thinking, “The shock of my unexpected life has caused a brain freeze! How do I not recognize people I know?” I was embarrassed to admit I couldn’t remember them, but finally told one man, “I’m so sorry. You’re going to think I’m crazy, but I can’t remember how we know each other. Will you remind me?”

“Oh, we don’t know each other,” he explained. “I just saw your story on the news and I’m divorced…”

OH.

I never expected that.

I learned a lot from that first interview. So much, that I knew what to expect from the NBC affiliate KSL Channel 5 interview last week. The day following the story, true to form, I received several friend requests from men I didn’t recognize. This time, I was prepared. I knew I didn’t know them, so I didn’t respond. However, one of the men looked like the camera man who filmed our interview with Jennifer Stagg (at least, that’s who I thought he was!) so I accepted his request–and got a very nice follow-up message from him praising my appearance and…some other things. OOPS. It wasn’t the camera man after all! Just another unexpected experience in the unexpected life.

“It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.” (Mark Twain)

Isn’t that the truth?

A News Story

Date: June 15, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

It’s official.

Another opportunity for me and my children to share some of what we have experienced and learned in our unexpected life.

Jennifer Stagg, a news personality on NBC affiliate Channel 5, in Salt Lake City, Utah, did a story on our family which aired last week.

Here is the link to see the news story, if you’re interested:  http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=15904053

What I noticed most about this opportunity was the continued healing that has taken place in myself and my children, especially my middle son. He was just 9 years old when his world shattered; too young to understand a lot of what was taking place and to understand why it was happening. However, last week’s interview reminded me that a lot of growing up takes place from 9 years old to 11 years old!

Although this particular child didn’t want to participate in the interview, he agreed to stay in the yard and play while it was taking place. And then, unexpectedly, before the filming wrapped, he came in the house and hung around the film crew. I asked, “Is there something you want to say?”  He replied, “Yes.”

So Jennifer sat down and asked him some questions, including things about his old life, things about his new life, what he had learned and how he felt about it all.

As for what he missed about his old life? The fields behind our Colorado home that he played and rode his dirt bike in–and his friends. “If you have friends and family, that’s all you really need to be happy though,” he explained. “And I’m happy in my new life. My new life is just as good.”

“Really? What do you like about your new life?” asked Jenn.

“That I have a stepdad who is really nice, nice to me, who really likes me and who I really like.” (Too bad #5 was out of town on a business trip and didn’t get to hear that, huh? I shared it with him when he got home!)

He concluded by offering his wisdom: hard things happen, you just have to carry on.

Count his emotional well-being and healthy outlook and happiness in life as yet another miracle we’ve been blessed with, thanks to the triumph of living…the unexpected life.

“We are all broken and wounded in this world. Some choose to grow strong at the broken places.” (Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt)

He sure has.