Living Happily Ever After
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The Speech Continued: ‘A’ is for Integrity

Date: March 15, 2014  Author: Andrea Merriman

A: ALWAYS Integrity

I believe integrity will see you through anything. Be who you are, be true to yourself, be honest with yourself and others in whatever situation you may be.

Ironically, if I’d had to describe myself or the person my parents had taught me to be prior to 2009, it would have been that I was a person of integrity. Yet there I was, my entire life, family, past, future, reputation, destroyed by a man the complete opposite of that. And I’d never known that or seen that.

I never, in my life, thought integrity would be a challenge for me. However, I was shocked at some of the thoughts that came to me, to abandon my integrity, out of sheer desperation for my circumstances.

The day the U.S. Marshalls came to inventory my possessions for seizure was one of those days. While waiting for them to arrive, I actually had the thought to hide some of my jewelry. (Not that I’m a big fan of jewels. I saw my jewels simply as an asset that could be sold to help me feed my children in my desperate circumstances.) I was shocked at the thought! I was an honest person, I couldn’t believe that thought had even crossed my mind.

I dismissed it, briefly waged a silent battle within my own mind, and quickly came to the determination that I was not going to let someone else’s lack of integrity cause me to lose mine! I’d rather starve to death! (Which at the time I didn’t consider a remote possibility–I thought that’s where I was headed.) I’d also love to say that’s the only time I had that thought to be dishonest, but interestingly, I was presented with another opportunity to choose integrity regarding my jewelry within a few weeks of that initial challenge, and I had to decide, AGAIN, to choose to have integrity! Once again, I decided my integrity was worth more than anything to me.

I decided, as did the mother of Cornelius in ancient Greece, that my children were to be my jewels! My ONLY jewels. And I’m ok with that.

 

The Speech Continued: ‘Y’ is Your Kids

Date: March 11, 2014  Author: Andrea Merriman

I was overwhelmed with all of the questions I faced that most terrible of days in my life. I had the world–government agents, U.S. attorneys, family, friends, my husband–asking me, “WHAT are you going to do?” And I didn’t have a clue. I had no idea WHAT I was going to do.

In a moment, every single part of my life, my present, my past, and my future, had become a disaster. I was alone, thrust into the most terrifying darkness, and I didn’t know anything. Except that I was going to do what was best for my children. No matter what that meant for me or anyone else.

A counselor friend called that first day to try to help me. He asked me the question of the day (“What are you going to do?”) and I told him my answer: I didn’t know what I was going to do but I did know I was going to do what was best for my children. And he said something like this. “That is brilliant. I wish everyone in crisis would do that and we’d have a lot less messed up kids who grow up to become adults who fail.”

So that’s what I did.

Every decision was made with them in mind. Right or wrong those choices may have been, I really tried to put my children first and to do what I thought was best for them.

The results? All four of my children are living life fully, they’re enjoying successes at their various ages, and are remarkably happy and well adjusted. You would NEVER know the horrors they’ve lived through or the challenges they’ve overcome. One example: During my daughter’s senior year of high school as she was walking down the hall between classes, she happened to overhear the conversation of some girls in front of her. (They didn’t know she was behind them.) The girls were complaining, “Sarah Merriman is SO LUCKY. Everything good always happens to Sarah Merriman. We wish we could be Sarah!” If those girls only knew.

My daughter and I had a good laugh over that one!

“I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” (Audrey Hepburn)

Don’t Think…Do

Date: October 2, 2013  Author: Andrea Merriman

I called a Colorado friend to report my husband’s insane suggestion. Instead of agreeing with me she said, “I think that’s a great idea! Are you coming?”

I should have known to call someone else–this friend had suggested I visit several times since I moved. We hung up, I shook my head, and thought the matter was closed.

But my thoughts wouldn’t let it be.

The hate mail and nasty emails have dwindled. It has been several months since I’ve received anything from anyone in that regard. The used Subaru I’d driven away from Colorado in is no more (what can I say, it was old and very used.) One of the two dogs I’d driven away from Colorado with had died. Two of the four children I’d brought to Utah with me are now “grown up” and “gone”–one is living in Spain, the other has moved out and is in college. I’m working at a different job, for a different organization, than the one that brought me here. I’m remarried to someone else. It has been long enough that the events of 2009 almost don’t even feel like they happened to me, but to someone else.

Why not?

Isn’t it ABOUT time?

So I told my husband I’d go. And before I knew it, he’d booked airplane tickets.

I tried not to think about it.

“Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy…You simply must do things.” (Ray Bradbury)

 

Find One Thing

Date: December 5, 2012  Author: Andrea Merriman

“We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.” (Winston Churchill)

The second step to surviving anything and living a thankful life is: find just ONE THING to be thankful for each day.

Years ago, James E. Faust told of being raised in very poor times that required the use of homemade soap—rough and terrible smelling. He said from that, every day that he had the good fortune to use soft, sweet smelling soap, he never got over being thankful for it.

Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much to be grateful for, sometimes we just have to stop and realize that. I believe no matter HOW BAD things get, you can always find SOMETHING you’re blessed with or grateful for!

I remember at one of my lowest times, the drama of 2009 that was forced upon me when the man I was married to revealed he’d been running a Ponzi scheme and was heading to federal prison and everything that went along with those terrible crimes, there were moments (ok, probably several weeks or a few months, if we’re being honest!) where I wasn’t sure I had much, besides my children, to be grateful for.

I had to dig deep for gratitude.

I remember one day thinking, “I have never felt such despair. What can I find to be thankful for?” and honestly, the only thing I could find to be thankful for was that I was alive—still breathing, anyway—because if I weren’t, that would mean my children would be orphans. So I chose to be thankful for that—that I was still breathing.

Some days it may be the only thing you’re grateful for is the fact you’re still breathing, and that’s ok. Some days are just that terrible.

Just remember to be thankful for SOMETHING.

Don’t Leave Home Without Them

Date: May 10, 2012  Author: Andrea Merriman

“She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn’t take them along.” (Margaret Culken Banning)

When I got my job, I was a single mother. With an ex-husband in prison and my parents dead, it meant that when I wasn’t with my children, they were basically “orphans.” Thankfully, my company could not have been more understanding of that. I told them up front I couldn’t travel due to my situation and they hired me anyway, allowed me significant flexibility in my work schedule (they still do) and although many employees traveled on the company’s behalf every quarter, they never once asked me to, made me feel guilty because I didn’t travel or forced me to travel. (I work for an amazing company, by the way.)

After my marriage, they asked if I could travel to a quarterly event. My husband stayed home with the kids, I made the trip but as all mothers know, especially those who work full-time, you frequently have your children in mind. Nothing reminded me of that more than a recent business trip I made to Anaheim, Calif. for my company’s annual Global Convention.

I was gone five days. As I departed my husband commented, “Who would have imagined that, of the two of us, YOU would have the longest business trips!” True. I certainly never imagined I’d ever have a business trip much less longer ones than those of my husband.

And, wouldn’t you know, my business trip overlapped with a significant event—you guessed it—my daughter’s prom! (Talk about Proma Drama continued! If my daughter were writing this, I’m sure she’d clarify that she is also my “only” daughter. Yes, I’m a loser working mother! Out of town the weekend of my daughter’s Junior Prom!) I had no choice. But it didn’t stop my daughter from noting, “Do you realize you’ve been out of town for every single school dance I’ve had?” (Can you sense the working mother guilt oozing from me? Trust me, it is!)

But I did what I could. Despite everything I had going on at my event (including working from early morning to late at night each day with hardly time to eat) I did everything I could in advance of the big event: I helped her find the perfect dress, I paid for it, I arranged for jewelry to match her dress, I asked my sister-in-law to do my daughter’s hair (turns out, it was quite a party with my daughter and her cousin going to prom the same night resulting in an assembly line of hair and make-up artistry performed by nieces and my sister-in-law, a fun memory for all; everyone but me, that is, as I was out of town!)

I even remembered to ask my son for pictures of my daughter and her date, to text them to me so I could experience as much of the event as possible. So there I sat in my hotel room after midnight, knowing I had to wake up in five short hours, looking at pictures of my daughter heading to her prom. And I realized, again, and not for the first time, that truly, you never do quite leave your children at home, even when you don’t take them with you.

Meanwhile, it wasn’t prom, but I was having a few adventures of my own.

“My travels led me to where I am today. Sometimes these steps have felt painful, difficult, but led me to greater happiness and opportunities.” (Diana Ross)

Working Mom Lesson #1: Let It Slide

Date: May 9, 2012  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Sliding headfirst is the safest way to get to the next base, I think, and the fastest. You don’t lose your momentum, and there’s one more important reason I slide headfirst, it gets my picture in the paper.” (Pete Rose)

I’m talking about a different kind of slide: letting things go. (But don’t count on getting your picture in the paper for this!)

There are only so many hours in a day and I think all mothers, especially those that work full-time outside the home, could stay busy 24 hours a day if they had the energy or the ability to stay awake and work on their “to do” lists for that long! But not only would it be unhealthy, it would be impossible to do for very long. So let things go.

Let yourself let some things go…and don’t sweat it.

I’ve realized my children aren’t going to be scarred forever if there’s dust on the piano today, or this year (if we’re being honest.) And that our true friends will still like us (and won’t even comment, actually) if they walk by the open door of the laundry room and it’s piled up. Some things truly can wait for the weekend, or for an extra week (or more!) until you can get to them.

The only thing that can’t and doesn’t wait is…time. Put people ahead of tasks to be accomplished or work to be done and if you do that, you’ll have no regrets— and that’s the best way to live life, in my opinion: with no regrets.

Chat with your children and let other things go, if that’s how limited your time is. (That’s why sometimes I go a week, or a month, between blog posts! There’s just not enough time to do everything all of the time.) Finish up the rest of the dinner dishes in the morning if you have to. (I confess, I’m guilty of this on occasion. I just keep telling myself my children and my future children-in-law will be the better for my imperfections! I’ll never be the intimidating, “perfect” mother or mother-in-law; my children and in-laws won’t be able to do anything but look at me and feel better about themselves! Lol.)

As a new mother, some of the best advice I got came from a friend my own age, in my own situation and I believe it applies to mothers, especially working mothers as well. I’ve always tried to live by it. Even now, especially in the unexpected life. She said, “Make your list of things to do each day and give yourself credit, count the whole day as a success, if you accomplish just ONE thing on it!” As a working mother, words to live by, for sure!

Take your child to the park? Check. Your day was a success!

Make the bed, drive carpool, drop off at daycare, remember lunch money for children, commute, work for 8 hours, straighten a mess, cook dinner, do the dishes, fold a load of laundry, read to a child, pet the dog, go for a short walk or sit on the porch and watch your kids play, read for five minutes? Check. A SUPER SUCCESSFUL DAY! (Don’t let yourself even THINK about everything else that didn’t get done.)

And some days, if you just get out of bed and carry on? Check. That day’s a success too!

Be liberal with the credit you give yourself and your recognition of your day’s “accomplishments.” It’s actually simple to be successful, especially in my new world.

“If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.” (Will Rogers)

Even If It’s In Flames

Date: May 3, 2012  Author: Andrea Merriman

“That corpse you planted last year in your garden, Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?” (T.S. Eliot)

No. Not in my garden. Here’s why.

Three years ago, when I lost my life (and pretty much everything else) in the aftermath of a Ponzi scheme, I moved to Utah. Along with my four children, I brought three peony plants from my Colorado yard I had uprooted and hauled several hundred miles in orange Home Depot buckets to transplant in our new yard. I’ve written about them before: one didn’t survive the journey, one made the journey and survived the first winter only to be uprooted by my youngest in his “chop down the new fruit trees and many other thriving plants with a plastic sword” phase, and the third, and final peony, bit the dust last week.

Not totally of its own volition, I confess. I just realized we’re entering the fourth growing season in our new life and while that peony has turned green every year, it has never bloomed. So last week I finally let my husband dig it up and remove it. We’re going to try something else in its place. Why?

Because life is too short to waste time NOT blooming.

I believe life isn’t meant to simply be “endured.”  I believe, instead, that life is a garden and we’ve all been given a patch of ground to do with it, to make of our life, what we will. Admittedly, all ground is NOT created equal. Some of us have a pretty easy, carefree row to till. Some have sandy soil; some are blessed with a rainforest (which has its own challenges); some have been planted in very difficult, rocky soil. And a few of us may not even be in any soil at all–but instead, like I found myself a few years ago, thrust into a pile of the absolute worst manure I’d never imagined! But regardless of the garden, or life, you’ve been transplanted to, you’ve got to bloom. Blossom. Achieve your dreams. Burst forth into something great. Let the soil of your experiences help you grow into something better than you’d have otherwise been. No matter what happens to you.

“I advise you to say your dream is possible and then overcome all inconveniences, ignore all the hassles and take a running leap through the hoop, even if it is in flames.” (Les Brown)

The Small World of Television

Date: April 17, 2012  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Television is intensely personal.” (Jessica Savitch)

The very next day I was chatting with a different co-worker new to my company who gathered from our conversation that I was divorced. She asked about my previous husband, where he lives now and whether or not my children ever see him. “No, they don’t see him,” I replied.

“Really? Not at all? Why not?” she asked.

“Because he’s in prison,” I clarified. “Until 2020.”

With information like that offered up, there are always a few follow-up questions! (Which I’m  happy to answer.) After more questions and some additional explanation, a light came on in my co-worker’s eyes. “Oh! I have a great idea! I know what you need to do!” she exclaimed. “There’s a television show that would be perfect for you!” She told me a about it, including its title and that it’s her favorite show, and I started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

“That’s the very show that I’m talking to about appearing on!” I explained.

Two different people, two days in a row, same television show. And me.

Small world.

Detours

Date: March 24, 2012  Author: Andrea Merriman

“When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.” (Barbara Bush)

In conjunction with my Las Vegas business trip, I was asked to speak at our corporate event there regarding the philanthropic effort of our company (one of the areas I manage.)

Service is something I’ve always been passionate about, particularly since there were moments upon entering my unexpected life I wasn’t sure how my children and I would have survived without a little help from our friends (and even some strangers) who delivered food to us, made meals for us, gave us cash, sent gift cards, left a thoughtful treats on the porch, wrote notes of encouragement, smiled at us (when it felt like nobody was), made my first Mother’s Day post-Ponzi scheme not just bearable but beautiful and joyful, tended my children while I attended to the details of wrapping up a life…I can’t even list all the ways we were blessed by (and continue to be blessed) by service from others!

For that and many reasons, I was happy to do it and was grateful for the opportunity to talk about making a difference in the world. I am certainly the grateful beneficiary of so many people who have had an influence for good in my life.

I was thankful to do it, that is, until they announced my name, I walked out into the glare of the lights, on stage…and faced over 4,000 people! That’s a pretty big crowd. I don’t think I’d ever spoken to more than a crowd of 1,200 or so people prior to that in my life! Whew! In moments like that, it’s nice to have a monitor prompting you (reminding you) what you had planned to say before your mind went blank at the sight of so many people.

However, despite the emptiness of thought I temporarily experienced, I did have the presence of mind to think this, like I have so many times: “If someone had told me in 2009 that THIS was an experience that would be coming to me just a few years later and courtesy of my unexpected life, I’d never have believed them! Like the Ponzi scheme my former husband perpetrated, I never saw it coming.”

There is a LOT of good in my new life. SO MUCH happiness and joy. So many unexpected opportunities I’d never have had. Tender mercies I’d never have known. Things I may never have learned and certainly things I’d never have known I was capable of surviving, much less doing and accomplishing. I realized something:

I’m grateful for the detours.

“…Believe in your destiny; that you will succeed, you will meet a lot of rejection and it is not always a straight path, there will be detours – so enjoy the view.” (Michael York)

It’s a pretty nice view in the unexpected life. How’s yours?

A Fine Mess

Date: March 19, 2012  Author: Andrea Merriman

“It’s just smooth sailing, nothing but calm seas and blue horizons, as far as the eye can see. Do you understand what I’m saying?” (Carrie, Sex and the City)

I’d like to report it was smooth sailing after the agreement between the adults was signed, but alas, there was a bump in the road.

A big one.

My husband had driven to Arizona to pick up his daughter and bring her “home.” He called me to let me know he had arrived safely. His voice was excited and animated, he was literally bubbling was joy as he shared the details of his drive, everything he had done since arriving including the fact that he was at the small town’s high school basketball game and how much fun he was having…and then he blew it.

“You would be so proud of me!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been negotiating like crazy down here since I arrived!”

Cue the sound of a needle being moved across a record on a turntable and the immediate silence that follows it. I don’t think it had ever been more deafening.

“What do you mean,’ negotiating’? And with who?” I asked. I couldn’t imagine who he’d need to be negotiating with or what possibly could need to be negotiated. Turns out, he had been ‘negotiating’ with the daughter who was coming to live with us.

I was appalled. First of all, and from my perspective, his daughter had no negotiating power—she had nothing to offer, not a thing to bring to the table. She was troubled, she had a history of poor choices (she’d blown her previous two living arrangements through her failure to abide by certain rules), her mother said she couldn’t take her, there was nowhere else for her to go but our home. (She is a cute, nice girl, by the way. Some teens just struggle to find their way.) Second, the deal hadn’t even begun and already the details of the agreement the adults had signed just the night before was being modified!

That is SO not the way I raise children.

I’m no expert but I was raised in a good home by good parents who modeled really good parenting practices—my mom even had a master’s degree in family relations and had written a book about children—she knew, and practiced, her expertise for which I am the grateful beneficiary. My parents’ parents, my grandparents, were also really good parents and raised great kids, not to mention I’ve studied and read a lot about parenting in the attempt to be an effective parent myself and maybe I come from whacky parenting traditions or I may be way off base (tell me if I’m wrong and I just can’t see it!) but I’ve always believed you wait to re-evaluate a situation until after you’ve at least tried living with it (for at least one week!) and THEN, based on need, behavior,  performance or whatever criteria you establish (and only after children prove themselves and demonstrate they can be trusted with additional freedom, privileges, or whatever the need may be) you make adjustments.

I expressed my disbelief (and disagreement) of what was taking place. I suggested he return to the basketball game and we talk later. And I hung up the phone, shaking my head but NOT with the usual laughter!

WHAT had I just gotten myself into?

“Another fine mess you’ve gotten me into.” (Stan Laurel)

That’s exactly how I felt.