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The Irony of The Search

Date: August 17, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Be careful going in search of adventure – it’s ridiculously easy to find.” (William Least Heat-Moon)

It’s ironic that we ever met, my birth mother and I.

After we found each other via Facebook, she told me of her 10 year search. She had done everything she could think of to find me, but with no success. (We discovered she’d been given fake names for my parents, among other incorrect information when I was born.) And although she had listed her information on several registries that specialize in uniting birth parents and their children, I hadn’t heard of any of them. I wasn’t registered anywhere. I’d never planned to find her.

But for being thrust into my unexpected life and finally feeling the need for my medical history, we probably never would have found each other. And we certainly never would have met but for an impulsive act.

Years ago, she had the impression I knew who she was, where she was and that I had chosen not to contact her because I was happy and doing well. (That was true. I’d known her address since approximately 1997 and had never acted on the information.) She held to that belief, continued living her life, until early December 2009 when she fasted, prayed and meditated that she would find me.

When she got on Facebook weeks after that to check her inbox, she was stunned to see I had sent my impulsive message 2-3 days after her meditation!

“You know, I’ve often thought if I were much older, I might not have done that…As you get older, you get more conservative, but I was still young enough to be a little bit impulsive.” (Kirk Douglas)

And I’d been thinking I was old, too old, an “old bag!” Thank goodness I was still “young” enough to be impulsive about something. You’ll never guess what I think I have to thank for that: my unexpected life.

I’ve seen firsthand that you can do everything “right,” you can do everything in your power to achieve one specific outcome, you can be on course and living your dream but you still may end up with a completely different life– maybe even a life you didn’t necessarily want when it initially became yours. Starting over unexpectedly. Seeking to create a new life out of the ashes of the old. Finding new dreams.

And it’s ok.

I’ve learned it IS possible to start over even when you think you’re old. It IS possible to dig yourself out of the darkest disaster. It IS possible to have faith, hope and trust a lot more and to choose to worry a lot less. It IS possible to create a new life and to dream new and different dreams than you ever have before. And it IS possible to be equally happy in the new and unexpected life; maybe even happier.

I’m living proof of that.

Thanks to my unexpected life.

Ready, Set…Go?

Date: June 2, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

I thought I was ready to date again. Actually, that might be a bit of a stretch. I had been married and out of that type of social situation for the previous two decades. I didn’t have a clue what dating was like in 2009. I didn’t know anyone, I didn’t know how to meet anyone and I didn’t know how to go about being “single.” What I WAS ready for, however, was to not feel so lonely!

So, I thought I was ready to move forward with my life. But what did my children think about that? I get asked that question a lot. Here’s the answer:

Before I was even divorced, when my children and I were still living in our home in Colorado with their dad prior to our move to Utah, one day I was standing in the kitchen and my two oldest children walked in. Out of the blue they said, “Mom, you have GOT to date, find a nice man and get married again!”

In shock, I looked at them and put a finger to my lips to hush them. Their dad was in the house, watching t.v. in the next room! I said, “Thank you for that, but I’m still legally married. I can’t date!” And then I laughed–knowing no one would want a financially-devasted, forty-something woman; the sole support of four children. (There’s nothing like a couple decades of lies and betrayal by a spouse to make you feel old, wrinkled and, like I’ve said before, an “old bag!”)

It was all so new, I think I was still in shock, and I had way too much on my plate in terms of moving, working and being a mother to think I’d ever have time to date anyway. I couldn’t comprehend anything like that (at that time) in my life. Little did I know the crushing weight of loneliness a single mother feels.

So, before I was even divorced, my children had given me permission to date.

And eventually, thanks to the terrible loneliness, I joined them in their readiness for their mother to date.

I tried to be a bit circumspect in my approach. I didn’t know anyone, and didn’t know how to meet anyone, so I decided to start with the singles program of my church. I got online and checked out the local site. It listed a lot of activities and things I didn’t understand. It also listed dances (every Friday night in Utah county) and Sunday night meetings called “firesides” where guest speakers present spiritual messages to the group.

My problem? I didn’t feel ready to walk in alone.

So I thought about it for awhile.

And then late one Friday night, on a total impulse, I did something else before I even dared go to a dance or a fireside and walk in alone.

I probably should have listened to Henry Ford: “Before everything else, getting ready is the secret of success.”

Instead, I acted impulsively.

If you keep reading, you’ll see that I’ve done that a few times. (You’ll have to decide for yourself how you think it turned out for me.)

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