Living Happily Ever After
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And Dinner Was Served

Date: March 13, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.” (Kathleen Mifsud)

Unless you’re #5 and you start out mature (ie. older) and YOU do the stomping by dumping your fiancee BEFORE dinner! It happened like this…

On that fateful Sunday night, #5 had invited his family to my home for dinner. He arrived early to help with preparations, all of our children were in the basement and we were in my kitchen. Somehow we got on the subject of two children (one of his, one of mine) and we had a disagreement.

“Thus, we see that one of the obvious origins of human disagreement lies in the use of noises for words.” (Algred Korzbyski)

He dug his heels in in defense of his son, I dug my heels in in defense of my son, and things degenerated from there. It got so petty we even argued about the boys’ ages. When I suggested his son was the older child so he should set more of the example, he corrected me, saying his son was just one year older so they were basically the same age. In a burst of maturity I got even more petty by correcting the age difference: “Well, if you’re going to get so specific and picky about it, your son is actually 19 MONTHS older–and two years older in school!” (Wow. 19 months. Two years in school.  That’s a lifetime. Petty, I know.)

Unexpectedly, he stood up and said he would get his son and leave. He had NEVER done that before, by the way. He turned and walked out of the room. I stood there, alone in my kitchen, stunned.

I was dumbfounded.

Leave? Because of a disagreement? When his family was due to arrive any minute? We hadn’t had many disagreements our entire engagement–I think I’ve chronicled all two of them–but he headed to the basement to call his son. For some reason, I followed him.

“You’re just going to leave?” I asked.

He was. He said he was sorry, but that he just couldn’t do it anymore. That maybe the timing was bad. That he’d never planned to get married until his son was 18, but then he’d met me and it had changed everything. However, after all of the time we had spent together and during the course of our long engagement, there were things that hadn’t changed and he didn’t know what else to do–so he was leaving.

I was appalled. “You’re going to leave, without even fighting FOR us?”

Before he could answer, in the pause, the doorbell rang.

His family.

It was like a bad movie.

Too late to leave, #5 expressed his displeasure with a roll of his eyes, muttered, “Oh, CRAP!” and then kicked into performer/entertainer mode. He answered the door with a smile, acted like everything was fine and normal, was friendly to everyone (except me) and prepared to serve dinner. Unfortunately, I’m not an actress.

His brother walked in, took one look at me and asked, “Andrea, are you all right?” To which I lied, “Yes, fine!” He looked at me, puzzled, and asked again, “Are you sure? You look tired or something.” I changed the subject and carried on. Or attempted to, anyway.

Later, as the kids came up for dinner, my high school son walked in, took one look at me and asked, “Mom? Are you all right? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I lied.

And dinner was served.

“Here they are, top of the food chain, and dinner is served.” (Jeffrey Jones, “The Devil’s Advocate”)

From The Mouth Of…Eggs

Date: February 18, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

Speaking of eggs, here’s a bit more wisdom for the unexpected life. From eggs.

1. Keep it clean, and take the high road every chance you get. “Let me tell you, sisters, seeing dried egg on a plate in the morning is a lot dirtier than anything I’ve had to deal with in politics.” (Ann Richards)

2. Keep it real. “Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.” (Mark Twain)

3. Remember who you are. If you do that, it doesn’t matter where life lands you. “Being born in a duck yard does not matter, if only you are hatched from a swan’s egg.” (Hans Christian Anderson)

4. Face what must be faced, do what needs to be done. “If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.” (Bob Hope)

5. Get up, do your hair, and give yourself credit for a triumph each day–even if it’s only that you did your hair! Never let it be said of you: “She looks like she combs her hair with an egg beater.” (Hedda Hopper) Unless that’s the look you’re going for, of course.

6. Set goals. “What is my loftiest ambition? I’ve always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan.” (Oliver Herford)

7. Keep your chin up. Although the unexpected life can take its toll on your appearance, things WILL improve. (As will your appearance again, too, as you heal. Someday you’ll feel better again. And it will show. So don’t stress over the “old bag” stage. It, too, shall pass!)  ”I’ve got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather like an egg on legs.” (Johnny Vegas)

8.  Look for the tender mercies; recognize the miracles you’re blessed with. “We can see a thousand miracles around us every day. What is more supernatural than an egg yolk turning into a chicken?” (S. Parkes Cadman)