Living Happily Ever After
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The Rest of…the Trip

Date: October 21, 2013  Author: Andrea Merriman

“That ends this strange eventful history…” (William Shakespeare)

I was in Colorado  less than 48 hours. But I conquered all the major hurdles:

1. I drove the streets of Denver, Aurora and Centennial, Colorado (all the areas of my old stomping ground and life) and I felt great! I didn’t feel homesick, I didn’t feel like I didn’t belong there, I didn’t have an urge to cry…I just felt like I was in a place I knew very well and enjoyed. I felt welcome!

2. I drove to my former home. And I felt…nothing. I didn’t feel homesick, I didn’t feel loss, I didn’t have an urge to cry… I felt nothing but peace.

3. Although I didn’t get a chance to see a majority of the friends I would have loved to have seen, I got to see several people I love and have missed.

4. I even had the privilege of seeing and speaking with a few victims of my former husband. They could not have been kinder or more gracious to me. (There are some really good people in the world!)

5. I realized that I can, and want, to return for a visit again someday. (And I want to bring my children, too!)

And then, all too soon, it was off to the airport again and a quick flight back to Salt Lake City. I arrived home–everything looked the same yet everything was completely different. I went to work the next day–everything looked the same yet EVERYTHING was different.

I was different. I had conquered the last hurdle from my unexpected life. Consider me recovered!  But I’ll refrain from adding “The End” to this story. Because there never is one to…the unexpected life.

“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” (Winston Churchill)

Changing Directions

Date: November 17, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“One might as well try to ride two horses moving in different directions, as to try to maintain in equal force two opposing or contradictory sets of desires.” (Robert Collier)

Two contradictory sets of desires. I daresay that is probably what leads to most, if not all, divorce. I see it in the aftermath of the final divorce, as well. Regardless of the desires of either party, there are moments that it feels like trying to ride two horses moving in different directions. Sure, both parties may say they want the same thing (the well-being of the children they had together) but the approaches to achieving that are usually vastly different.

When I met my husband, his youngest child lived with him. “But I know, at some point, he will choose to live with his mom again,” he explained, and added how sad he would be when that day came; he loved the daily interactions with his son that came with living under the same roof.

His son continued to live with him as the parent’s lives transitioned: his mom remarried and divorced; his dad fell in love, remarried and they moved in with my family; his mom married again and divorced again; and shortly after our marriage, moved just down the road from us. (Lets just say I NEVER expected that!)

The changes were hard for my stepson—going from an “only child”/center of his dad’s universe to one of five children living in the same house; a new family culture and a completely different set of house rules; moving to a new school and leaving old friends; knowing his mother was alone; and, I’m not going to lie, I’m sure his dad’s new wife was a challenge for him, too! We straddled those opposite horses for six months, all parties probably felt they compromised as much as they could but in the end, none of it was enough.

Another horse, another option, another direction, was on the track and my stepson chose to ride it.

Second marriage moment #29: my husband’s son moved back in with his mother.

My husband had known it would happen even before he met me, and he’d seen the signs of it coming for a few months, so when it finally happened I was grateful he could say, “I’m at peace with my son’s decision.”

And in my objective, somewhat outside opinion, my stepson appears at peace with it too.

“A peace is of the nature of a conquest; for then both parties nobly are subdued, and neither party loser.” (William Shakespeare)

As for me?

“I happen to dig being able to use whatever mystique I have to further the idea of peace.” (Garrett Morris)

Game Report

Date: September 14, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Failure is simply the non-presence of success. But a fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions.” (Orlando Bloom)

The second soccer game was…a bit of a fiasco.

I dashed from work directly to the playing field, got caught in horrendous traffic, and made it there just in time for the start of the game. Not a moment to spare—or to change out of my work clothes. So once again, I coached in a skirt. But this time, in high heels as well!

I’m not sure why, maybe I didn’t look serious enough about soccer or sporty enough in my skirt and heels, but I experienced some coaching difficulties. I had dads on the sidelines sending boys into the game on their own; I had little boys arguing with me when I tried to rotate them out to give every boy a chance to play; and then one of my players got ejected from the game for getting a little too rough, hitting and wrestling the other players!

At the end of the quarter when the ejected boy was allowed to play in the game again, my son ran and welcomed him back with a quick wrestle—so the boy told the referee on MY SON! (Thankfully, the referee continued the game and I gave my son a quick reminder about not wrestling during soccer games, explaining AGAIN that we don’t wrestle during soccer games or we don’t get to play, as the playing continued on around us.)

The other coach/referee interacted with me so much during the game one woman on the sidelines approached and asked, “It that man your husband?”

As I walked to the sideline after that one, all I could do was shake my head and ask myself with a laugh, “HOW did THIS become MY life?”

I remembered, again, how far I’ve come in an unexpected life: divorced, traumatized financial disaster to remarried, at peace, first-time soccer coach in just two years! I recall shaking my head but not laughing, asking myself that very question in 2009 and having a very different answer. Proof again, and I can’t say it enough, that it IS possible to rise from the ashes of whatever misery you’re handed, to create a new life of happiness, to laugh and to eventually “win” again.

Yes it’s possible.

My son even scored four goals.

“We all have possibilities we don’t know about. We can do things we don’t even dream we can do.” (Dale Carnegie)

The New Feel of Darkness

Date: June 14, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“I wondered vaguely if this was when it would end, whether I would pull up tonight’s darkness like a quilt and be dead and at peace evermore.” (William Manchester)

When I was thrust into my unexpected life two years ago, it felt dark and very overwhelming. I confess, I probably had a moment or two where I could absolutely relate to William Manchester. Several nights I went outside in the backyard of my Colorado home to be alone, mourn my losses, cry, pray, and to try to figure out a plan: as in, how was I going to feed and shelter four children? By myself? And how was I going to not just start over, but start over “from a hole?”

Although, “There’s nothing like a nighttime stroll to give you ideas,” (Mad-Eye Moody, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000), I was short on ideas and options back then! But at least I knew, “When the darkness comes, keep an eye on the light…no matter how far away it seems.” (Jan Berry) I’d been raised to believe in and have faith that “For every dark night, there’s a brighter day.” (Tupac Shakur) And it’s true. I know it now, just as I knew it then, as hard as it was to always believe it.

So I didn’t succumb to the night’s darkness. Despite the black hole that was my new world, I didn’t quit. I may have ended every day in tears by crying myself into a fitful sleep (what little I slept), and I woke up and cried when I opened my eyes to my new reality and realized it wasn’t a bad dream but my new life (THAT is something–when your reality is worse than a nightmare! LOL), but I carried on as best I could.

Last night, I was out in the backyard of my Utah home. It was late, close to 11 p.m., but I wasn’t alone or mourning anything; I was planting a garden with #5!

With our busy work and family schedules, that was the time we had available to do it–so I kept the dirt moist with water and held the camping lantern so we could see, and #5 dug the holes, placed the plants in the earth, and covered them with soil. We talked, laughed, worked side by side and enjoyed one another. And when we finished, #5 went to put the tools and equipment away. I was left, alone, in the late night blackness of a summer night.

It has been awhile since I’ve thought about the dark summer nights alone in my Colorado yard, but brief memories of that time came unbidden. I indulged in them for just a moment, wondering if I’ll ever experience dark summer nights alone without remembering that traumatic time in 2009 but also marveling at the difference time, and light, can make.

“I guess darkness serves a purpose: to show us that there is redemption through chaos. I believe in that.” (Brendan Fraser) So do I. Because I’m living proof. Out of darkness and chaos came redemption…in the form of a very unexpected life. Time and again I’ve seen it happen—in this century, in previous ones, to every person, everywhere, regardless of the challenge or struggle.

There is ALWAYS light, and life, at the end of the tunnel, your tunnel, whatever that challenge may be.

That’s life. And since that’s life, while we’re here, we ought to experience it and remember that, ”Only the person who has experienced light and darkness, war and peace, rise and fall, only that person has truly experienced life.” (Stefan Zweig)

And if you’ve never planted a garden late at night by the light of a lantern, I recommend you experience that too.

“See you in the darkness.” (Gary Gilmore)

The One That Left Them All Behind

Date: April 8, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman
“If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.” (J.M. Power)

I woke up.

It was the day of my wedding.

I was calm, at peace, happy, excited and really didn’t have anything to worry about, except #5 showing up! (A snowstorm was in the forecast, and he was driving down with my two oldest children that morning.) It was getting pretty close to the time we needed to be at the Manti L.D.S. Temple, and just as I noticed that and began to worry about the snow and wonder if #5 was going to show up, I heard his voice in the kitchen.

He had arrived!

I confess, my heart did a little leap when I heard him.

I walked out to greet him and I confess, again, that my heart did another leap when I saw him. (Do I have a crazy crush, or what? I should probably marry the man!) He looked so handsome, standing there in his new wedding attire–dark suit, red tie–and his “longer” hair. (He auditioned for a film role that requires longer hair, so he’s been growing it for awhile. He was worried about the long hair and joked he’d have to photoshop his head onto our wedding photos because he looked so scroungy, but honestly, I’m kind of liking it!)

I rushed to finish getting ready, #5 soon informed me it was time to go, so I grabbed my dress and we drove to the temple.

Totally happy.

Totally in love.

Totally calm.

Totally at peace.

And then we were at the temple. As we walked toward the front doors, I couldn’t help but reflect on the previous generations of my family members who had done the very same thing at that very same temple: my parents, my grandparents, my great-grandparents  on both sides and many others. It was a beautiful building and the perfect place for me to embark on an entirely new adventure (slightly more expected than the last one, I might add!)

As we walked the halls of that sacred place, climbed the famous spiral staircase built by pioneers that still stands as an engineering marvel today, and entered the room we were married in I had only one thought: “This day is worth absolutely everything I endured to get here. Every single event that led to this moment, the waiting, the enduring, the challenges, everything…I would go through every single one of them, again, to learn what I have learned and to end up here with #5 today.” I believe that sometimes we have to go through very difficult things to get to exactly where we need to be.

And then we were married. The whole thing could not have been more perfect (except for my damp palms, I don’t know why I had them because I wasn’t nervous, but that wasn’t very romantic of me; my sincerest apologies to #5.) What I remember most about my wedding is that it all couldn’t have been more perfect! Through the whole thing I kept thinking, “This is absolutely perfect! This is my favorite wedding I have ever been to!” And it was.

At the end of the ceremony, the man performing our marriage and sealing told #5 to kiss his bride–so #5 did. Afterward, the sealer commented that it was one of the lengthier, thorough, and more “romantic” kisses he had ever witnessed in the temple, and without missing a beat #5 explained, “That’s because we’ve had a lot of practice!”

Although I’m pretty sure #5 was referencing my age, since I’m a newlywed, I’ll let it slide:) But let me say this:

“Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.” (“The Princess Bride”)

But I may be slightly prejudiced.:)

Slogans For The Unexpected Life

Date: December 26, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

During the holidays, #5 and I played a game with some of our children. In one round, we had to name campaign slogans. As I listened to the slogans, I was struck by what a great motto for The Unexpected Life each campaign could be.

Be All That You Can Be.

Just Do It.

Thrive.

You’ve Come A Long Way, Baby. (Shared by #5.)

As soon as he said that, it got me thinking about my life and my little family. I was overwhelmed and amazed by how far we’ve come in one year. Just since last Christmas. What a difference 365 days makes!

Last Christmas, 2009, was the first Christmas of our unexpected life. I was trying so hard to heal, to help my children make it through their unexpected challenge, trying to adjust to working full-time, and to hold on physically, emotionally, financially and in every other way, for all of us, back then. So I put on a brave face, tried to keep a few traditions and took my children to see Santa Claus one Saturday morning.

Santa chatted with each of my children but caught me completely off-guard when he had me sit by him, looked me in the eye, and asked, “What do you want for Christmas, Mom?”

I panicked. Did he know who I was? Did he know I was single? Did he know what a loser I had turned out to be, starting over in life, in every possible way, at 42? It had been years since Santa had asked me something like that! I wasn’t prepared with an answer. But for some reason, maybe because I felt so alone and literally was alone for the first time in my life, I took his query seriously. My mind raced with thoughts of everything I needed—courage; confidence; optimism; hope; anonymity; a life; emotional comfort; laughter; bravery; endurance; happiness; real smiles; joy, peace; and of course, money (those were the days when I couldn’t seem to get a break, I lived in shock and fallout from the trauma 24/7)—and because I’d been trained to only ask Santa Claus for one thing, without censoring my response I replied, “Peace. I would love to have peace.”

I don’t think Santa was expecting that. Yet he must have sensed the desperation I felt inside to share something like that with a total stranger, though the stranger be Santa’s helper, because he looked me in the eye, gave me a compassionate, soft smile, took my hand in his large, white gloved hand, and calmly and quietly told me to hold on, peace would come. He sat there for just a second, looking into my eyes, smiling and then patted my knee, offered me a See’s Candy lollipop and sent me on my way.

I walked away from my encounter with S. Claus uplifted. It was another one of those “Only in Utah” moments for me. (As in, only in Utah…would a shopping mall Santa Claus take time for you, despite a long line of believers and children, to give you a spiritual message!) I left his little village filled with hope, not just for the holiday but for my life. I believed Santa was right; someday it, peace, would come to me again. I was counting on that. I just had to hold on.

But that Christmas Eve, when the house was dark and quiet and I was up all alone late at night making my few small Christmas preparations for my children, the reality of my unexpected life hit me. Again. In that moment I was a little overwhelmed by my continued struggle to embrace a new life that was mine, but that I didn’t believe I had done anything to deserve and I still wasn’t sure I wanted! I’d do a little Christmas, then go up to my room, alone, and cry for a few minutes. Then I’d pull myself together, go down by the Christmas tree, do a little more Christmas, then go up to my room, alone, and cry. It was the pattern of a newly divorced, single mother, getting through her first Christmas. Alone.

After the holidays, #5 checked in with me to see how my “first Christmas” went. I can’t believe I told him the truth—that it was good overall, but that I’d had some unexpected sad moments too. He empathized, gave me some words of encouragement, asked me out for another date and the rest is…recorded in this blog.

However, Christmas 2010 was a completely different scene.

I took my kids to see Santa again, but this year he didn’t even ask me what I wanted. Maybe he could tell I have every important thing I need, especially peace. And Christmas Eve, although the house was dark and quiet, I wasn’t alone. I had #5 helping me with Christmas preparations. On Christmas Day, we had all eight of our children together. As I sat by #5, watching all of the kids talk, laugh, joke and enjoy being together, I felt such contentment and joy. It felt like family. It is our family. Everything is right in my world again. Different than what I had expected, as usual, but right.

I couldn’t help but think that had I only known last year what was in store for me this year, it would have been a heck of a lot easier to get through last year! Had I only known last year, what this year would be like, I wouldn’t have felt alone or felt sad at all. But that is just one more beauty and character-building aspect of life: the not knowing; and choosing to carry on anyway.

Striving to be all that you can be.

Just doing it.

Learning to thrive in whatever situation you find yourself in.

And acknowledging, occasionally, just how far you’ve come.

What you do with your unexpected life is your slogan.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘press on’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” (Calvin Coolidge)

Something Better

Date: December 9, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

As the calendar year draws to a close, I can’t help but reflect on the events of the past 12 months.

Another year of unexpected experiences and new developments, new friends, some challenges (although thankfully very minor compared to 2009), but overall a year of work, growth, laughter, fun and great memories.

Another year of life.

How thankful I am for the opportunity to live it and for all I have learned, again, this year. It’s amazing what can transpire, or be accomplished, in the course of just one year, especially if you let each new experience mold you into something better.

“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” (Benjamin Franklin)

Lemonade That’s Real

Date: October 27, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

“We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.” (Alfred Newman)

When my ex-husband went to prison, I told him I hoped he used the time to learn what he needed to learn; to grow and change in the ways he needed to; and that I hoped he chose to make the best of the experience, whatever it might be. In other words, make lemonade. Even in prison.

I LOVE lemonade, but it’s also how I believe in living life. However, the fact it has to be easier said than done in prison is not lost on me. I knew what I was asking of him. So lest I have painted too rosy a portrait of prison, let me share some reality.

About his environment he wrote, “This is such a harsh place. There is nowhere to go for peace. Nowhere to be alone or even escape the constant barrage of foul language. Just for kicks one day I decided to count the number of cuss words I heard in a single hour–I stopped at 1200! It is a daily onslaught from which there is no escape. I think we have every kind of degenerate scum bag in this place. Every day I wake up refreshed, feeling clean, and by the end of the day I feel like I just can’t take the filth any more. A deputy summed it up this way: ‘I view my pay not as income, but as worker’s compensation, because every time I come through that door I feel millions of brain cells commit suicide.’ It’s the shallow end of the gene pool to be sure but there are a few gems in here, and I consider myself to be blessed with the friends I have here.”

Rather than dwell on the negative, I was happy to see he focused on his daily routine and tried to make the best of his situation. He kept busy exercising, playing games, tutoring men for the G.E.D., reading, writing, making friends and trying to make the most of his incarceration. Not bad lemonade, especially for prison.

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. I have several stands around here.” (James Brady)

You can make lemonade wherever you are. All you need is lemons (abundant in the challenges and trials of life), water (which is everywhere) and a little sugar supplied by you–the way you choose to look at things and rise above them, the blessings you acknowledge and are grateful for, the positive things you focus on and the happiness you choose to create from your fruit regardless of where it comes from.

Make the best of what you have, regardless of how sour it is, and somewhere along the way the bitterness is overpowered by the sweet. It happens every time.

Lemonade.

Singles Conferences Probably Aren’t For The Engaged

Date: October 16, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Finally Friday’s is first and foremost a singles dance. We never solicit married couples to attend. However, we do allow, even encourage, our single members to invite their married friends and relatives to attend as couples together (subject to the club’s rules and regulations).” (Gerald Pruitt)

While Bachelor #5 and I were engaged, a singles conference was planned. I’d heard about this particular one since I first moved to Utah. Held on the campus of Utah Valley University, lasting parts of 2-3 weeks, people come from all across the country and even outside the U.S. to attend. One day Bachelor #5 reminded me the conference was coming.

I looked at him. “Oh, that’s right! I forgot! I was going to go to that, before we got engaged. I’ve heard it’s really good. Maybe I’ll have to go and find out!”

Bachelor #5 shook his head and replied, “You’re not going.”

I said, “But I’ve never gone to a singles conference! And now I’m getting married. I’ll never know what they are like. I will miss that pinnacle of the single experience–do you know how many singles travel the world and attend conferences all across the country, and I’ve never even been to one?”

He laughed and said, “That is ONE singles experience I guess you’ll have to miss. You’re not going!”

So I gave up that dream, if you can call it a dream.

A few days later Bachelor #5 suggested, “About that singles conference…I’m thinking maybe you should go after all.”

I looked at him in surprise as he explained that he and a single friend had planned more than a year previous that the friend would come to town, stay with Bachelor #5, and they would go to the conference together. Bachelor #5 had never expected to be engaged, had forgotten about their arrangement and the friend was coming to town. He said, “I’ve thought about it, and what if we just go to the dance? We can see my friend, I’ll be at a conference event with him (and you) so I’ll have kept my word to him, and you can experience what a singles conference is like. We don’t have to stay long. And, we can dance!”

That was the plan anyway.

The night of the singles conference dance arrived. It was a Friday night, I was about to get the final singles experience the portfolio of my single life was lacking, and you’ll never believe it. I walked through the doors and had just one thought, “I am SO GLAD this is not me any more! I am so glad I don’t HAVE to be here!”

Somehow, it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. (Being single, that is. And the conference.)

Shortly after our arrival, Bachelor #5 drew in his breath, and if I didn’t know better, appeared to be looking for a place to hide. I think a woman he knew was heading his way. I’d never seen him try to avoid a woman before, but I’m pretty sure that is what he was trying to appear casual about doing! He decided we should dance.

We headed to the dance floor, Bachelor #5 took me in his arms, and as we danced I lifted my eyes to look over his shoulder and found myself staring right into the eyes of…Bachelor #1!

That was pretty unexpected.

I asked Bachelor #5, “Would you mind if we face a different direction?”

Bachelor #5, without a word, spun me around and as I lifted my eyes I found myself looking right at…Bachelor #12!

“I hate to say this but…”

Bachelor #5 said, “Wait, let me guess. This position isn’t working either?”

I nodded and suggested we go far across the dance floor to a new location. Bachelor #5 graciously moved to the complete opposite side of the room, we began dancing again, and I could not believe my eyes. I looked to the left and the right; we were dancing between Bachelor #7 and Bachelor #15!

Sometimes it’s as if you can’t get a break anywhere you turn, even on the dance floor.

So…I don’t recommend singles conferences if you’re engaged–or if you’ve worked your way through a list of eligible men and dated them. You just might have too many friends on the dance floor!

Sometimes, you just can’t win. Or even dance, in peace.

“Dance:10; Looks:3; the moves you do make us all pee. We laugh, we cry, we all say ‘HI!’ but when you dance it’s ‘BYE BYE BYE!’” (“Bring It On: In It To Win It“)

Wounds And Healing

Date: October 4, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

“It’s like trying to describe what you feel when you’re standing on the rim of the Grand Canyon or remembering your first love or the birth of your child. You have to be there to really know what it’s like.” (Jack Schmitt)

I don’t think you can describe the moments that come after a MOMENT like that, so I won’t even try–anyone who has ever experienced “a moment,” will understand why. But you get the picture.

Bachelor #5 proposed. I said “yes.” And we continued our walk on the paths at Sundance Resort, eventually stopping and sitting on a bench, talking, gazing up the mountain at the beautiful scene before us. I don’t know about Agent M, but I felt very at peace with the world. With everything. It was the greatest sense of peace, such a feeling of calm, a sense of complete and total healing like I hadn’t experienced since…prior to March 18, 2009.

Eventually, the sun began to set. He stood up, reached for my hand and suggested we head home. We had children to share our news with. I gave him my hand, and took one last look at Sundance, the mountain, the flowers, the evening light. I took a deep breath and inhaled the fragrance of the mountain air. I tried to memorize everything about that evening and its many moments, how I felt at that day’s end.

Whole.

Healed.

“When I stand before thee at the day’s end, thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.” (Rabindranath Tagore)

I had my wounds. I had healed. And I had a fiance.

The Unexpected Life.