You know how you have a life plan…and then sometimes things happen to upset that plan and you’re shocked? I’ve seen that happen over and over in my life and in the lives of others. And that continued to be my life in 2009.
I obviously had been dealt a very unexpected life. But I continued to be human–make a plan to work with what I had, and then something would happen to ruin that plan and I’d have to go back, rethink, replan, and try it again. That happened over and over and over again last year. It happened so much it was overwhelming. Sometimes it was hard not to give up in the face of so many obstacles, every day, all at the same time!
It seemed like every day I was faced with a huge new problem, challenge or obstacle related to the situation that had been forced upon me by the choices of another. I’d work to handle it, would try to make the best of it, thought I had it taken care of, and within that same day or the next, new aspects would surface that ruined my plan and I’d have to start all over again! For several months in a row, it seemed like every single time I made any progress toward clawing myself out of the black abyss I’d been thrown into, some thing or some one would kick me back down the hole!
Some days the challenge simply of that was indescribable. But for some reason I didn’t quit.
In spite of the mess my life had become, I continued to try to salvage what I could out of the shards of life I was left with. I made a plan to settle in Utah and have my children settled in the new place we were going to live before I left them full-time and returned to work. But a few weeks before the scheduled move, that plan, too, fell apart.
I ended up moving to Utah before two of my children did. I ended up moving to Utah before my possessions did. And I ended up moving to Utah before I could move into a place of my own. None of that was my original plan, but that is how everything worked out. I know these situations are not the end of the world. People who move a lot probably deal with much bigger moving issues every time they move. However, I really hadn’t moved in 20 years. I’d never moved alone. And I was completely worried about moving my kids to a place none of us knew, and leaving them alone all day in a strange, new place. But you make the best of what you have.
To His credit, my former spouse helped me. We weren’t married any more, but He did as much as He could to assist me in making my new transition. He loaded the moving trucks for me after I had gone, drove a moving truck and arranged to have friends help him haul my things to Utah while I was already living and working there.
And He did it all as quietly as He could. My children and I were trying to make a fresh start in a new place and leave everything of the old life behind, so I instructed Him to head to the basement or anywhere away from new acquaintances should they drop by when He was hauling boxes. And He honored that request. I had many friends and relatives helping me. I don’t think anyone caught on that He was my ex-husband.
He arrived back in Colorado after helping me move to find our neighbors swarming the house and our property like a hive of angry bees. (I don’t think the neighbors, who lined the fence and stared at my teenagers as they packed their car to move to Utah after I’d already gone, realized that anyone was coming back.)
Our departure must have made them feel as if it was their right to open the mail in our mailbox, wander all over our house, the shop behind our house, our property and driveways. My former spouse arrived back in Colorado after moving me to Utah to find quite a crowd gathered there. Their children were riding their bikes around the deck of the pool, people were everywhere on the property, they had even driven their cars down the driveway!
Trespassing.
Unfortunately, the property didn’t belong to our neighbors or my spouse’s victims. It was the bank’s.
In the face of the swarm, He did as the government had previously instructed Him: He phoned 911. The police arrived and caught all of the neighbors in the act of trespassing. Boy, were the neighbors mad! (At least one had a relatively high profile job in the Denver area and was completely embarrassed to be caught in the act of trespassing. It couldn’t have been good for his career if that had gotten out.) Another neighbor chased Him down the driveway screaming at him. Another came running to join the first, yelling, “I’ve called The Feds! I’ve called The Feds! The Feds are on their way!” (If she really had called them, “The Feds” never came.) It was total craziness.
The neighbors told the authorities they had been nice up to that point because my children and I had been there. All I could think of when I heard that was that I’d hate to have experienced “not nice” if the way they’d acted and treated me was “nice!”
He lived in the house that week by himself and I struggled in Utah. I worked all day, cried all the way home, put on a happy face when I arrived and tended my children, ate dinner as our new family, and then I’d unpack and work on getting settled in our home until about 1 a.m. and then get up the next morning at 6 a.m. and do it all again. I guess it was good I hadn’t been able to sleep much in 2009 because my schedule didn’t lend itself to having much time for it anyway!
Utah was hot! At first, things were miserable. The air conditioning didn’t work. Our sprinkler system had broken. The television wasn’t hooked up right. The computer didn’t work. There was so much I needed help with and I didn’t have a clue how to do any of it! (Those who know me can vouch for my infamous lack of technological skills!) To be honest, I felt like I needed a man to do so many things and unfortunately, I didn’t have one. (It had been 20 years since I had been completely alone and I had learned to depend on a man to do things around the house, etc… An excuse, I know, but it was how I’d operated.)
Everyone was very nice to me in Utah. Everyone helped me a little bit and I was grateful for that. But I wasn’t anyone’s priority, their own families were. I understood that. It just didn’t help me. And I hated having to bother people for help with so many little things. So when He offered to come back and help me for another weekend, I let him. I needed help and was desperately grateful for it. He got a lot done and it seemed to be good for everyone in my family to have Him there.
And then in the midst of the struggle to settle in a new place and create a new life, I started to second-guess my decisions those first several weeks. I wondered if moving was a mistake? I wondered, maybe, if it would have been better to stay in Colorado? Those completely useless words “if only.” We should never let ourselves indulge in them or use them! But sometimes I forget my own wise counsel and do it anyway.
Financially, staying in Colorado hadn’t been an option. My job was in Utah, the cost of living was lower, for me, in Utah. And try as hard as I had to stay in Colorado, everything had worked out for me to move to Utah. I’d also had a very strong feeling I needed to be in Utah so I couldn’t let myself indulge in thoughts of my move as a mistake. Every time I started to think that way, I’d have to stop myself.
There we were. We had a new life. And we needed to make the most of it. We needed to make it our life.
We had to let go of Colorado and hope we’d be happy in Utah. As I looked around me, everyone in Utah seemed to love it. Sometimes I wondered, “Why couldn’t we? Why couldn’t I?”
Each day, I just tried to get through one more day and help my children get through it too. I tried to live with my eyes open to the good things we experienced and the tender mercies, the miracles, we were blessed with. And there were many. It seemed like every day at least one little good thing came our way: a treat from a friendly new neighbor, a kind word from a new acquaintance, a compliment from a stranger, a fun evening in the canyon (less than 10 minutes from our house, instead of the hour away the Colorado mountains had been!) or some other simple pleasure in life.
It showed me again that life can be good, life is good, regardless of your situation. You just have to let it be. You just have to look for it. Our greatest happiness doesn’t have to depend on the conditions of the life we find ourselves blessed to live, happiness is a conscious choice we make.
“Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us!” (Thomas L. Holdcroft)
We have to choose to shine.
