Living Happily Ever After
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One Ambition

Date: April 16, 2011  Author: Andrea Merriman

“Me only have one ambition, y’know. I only have one thing I really like to see happen. I like to see mankind live together – black, white, Chinese, everyone – that’s all.” (Bob Marley)

We survived the engagement portion of our relationship and married. But before I move on, I have to compliment #5 and his heroic attempts to keep us (and everything else) together during that time. Because at least for me, for us, being engaged in our 40s was very different than the last time. We came to the relationship with families, children, jobs, homes, church assignments, interests, hobbies and were both living very full lives before we even met, fell in love, and decided to be married. Our engagement wasn’t like the last time where we could drop just about everything to be with our intended. We had commitments and obligations; time with each other was limited.

Sometimes the only time each day we saw each other was 5 minutes in the workday morning, when #5 went out of his way to stop by my house on his way to work and before I left for mine, to say hello to me and to see the children before they left for school; or late at night, when #5 went out of his way to stop by for a few minutes after a show he was performing in, to say hello before he went home. Not a lot of time together. It was common for other couples marrying that I knew, as well. They both had homes, lives, and sometimes they even lived in separate cities–and continued to–even after they were married.

When we married, it came together so fast I didn’t think beyond the wedding day, honeymoon, the welfare of my children while I was out of town and my return to work afterward. So driving home from the honeymoon, as we entered Utah county, I realized real life was about to set in and I was struck with a thought I’d never had before: what is the plan? As in, where was #5 planning to live (and sleep) now that we were married? I knew it was the evening, we had to work the next day, and #5 didn’t have any personal belongings at my house. I suddenly realized I didn’t know what to expect!

I asked, “Where are you staying tonight?”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized my idiocy and saw the answer in his eyes. He looked at me like I was clueless (which I am and demonstrate on far too many occasions, exemplified, for example, by the events of 2009), shook his head like I was crazy (no comment!) and replied, “Of course your house–OUR house–we’re married!”

I said, “We both have homes, you don’t have anything at mine, we have to go to work tomorrow and I’d never thought that far ahead, so I wasn’t sure.”

He laughed and said, “Yes, it’s going to be a busy night. We’ll stop and see the kids and then we’ve got to run to my house and get some of my stuff and move it to the house so I can go to work tomorrow!”And that’s exactly what we did, although #5 was very patient to basically live out of a suitcase the first week or two of our marriage as he transitioned from living in his house, to mine.

That was the first “second marriage moment” for me. Only in a second marriage would you even wonder where your husband will live–your house, or his!

“What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow.” (Nathaniel Hawthorne)

The Conversation

Date: August 30, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

Right about that time a co-worker, my age and also a single mother, asked me about the men in my life. She checked in with me periodically about how things were going in my unexpected and single life, and although I gave her the 411, she wanted to know more about Bachelor #5. She said, “Of everyone I’ve heard you mention, Bachelor #5 is by far the most appealing to ME. I don’t understand–what’s your issue with him?” (I think I heard echoes of other co-workers saying the same thing in the background as they kept an ear on our conversation!)

I launched into my usual explanation that he was very nice but “older,” he had gray hair, he was a grandpa (ie. too old), but she stopped me. Those were shallow excuses. She wanted to know the real reason. I thought for a minute and said, “I think my problem with him is that we are too much alike and have too much in common.”

She looked at me like I was absolutely crazy. A complete idiot. And asked, “How can you have too much in common with someone? And why WOULDN’T you want to have so much in common with someone? Why is that a problem?”
Then she opened my eyes to the benefits of having a lot in common with a man as she shared her experience of being in a relationship with a man she had everything in common with, her soul mate.

I’d been very different from my first husband; we had very little in common except our faith. But I’d been happy, had loved him, and had probably come to believe over the course of our 20-year marriage that it was our differences that made him so appealing to me and kept me interested in him for so long. (It certainly kept our conversations lively and very educational!)

Talking to my co-worker, I began to open my mind to something I’d never considered before. I started to take note about what it was like to have a lot in common with a man I dated. I decided to observe, take notice, see what it was really like, and what I really thought about spending time with someone I had a lot in common with. (And can you believe it only took me four months of knowing him to get to that point? Sometimes I can be incredibly clueless.)

“Did you have an epiphany? Is that why you waited so long?” (Mark Geragos)

That’s How Ready I Was

Date: June 9, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

To anyone married prior to the invention of the internet, you may be like I used to be: clueless about the online singles thing. And although I’m still not an expert, I have (by trial and error) learned a few things. Let me share what I’ve learned. You never know, as in the case of my sister, when you’re going to need it to support your sibling whose life unexpectedly falls apart. (Thank goodness she knew something and could support my insanity at testing it out!) Here is how it works.

You find a site to join. There are a ton of them out there. You can look for free, but to meet people (ie. send or receive messages) you have to pay a fee and join. You can join for one month, three months, a year and scarily, maybe even longer. All of the sites I checked out had one month options. I looked at 3-4 sites and joined one for one month. Then you have to put yourself on the site.

You answer questions about yourself, you give basic information about your background, you list what you’re looking for in (my case) men and relationships. And you can be very specific–you can say you want to meet people of a certain height, a specific geographic area from you, with or without children or education. And of course, you should post a picture. (Some people don’t post a picture, but they say you meet a lot more people by posting a picture.) And then there are some people that don’t post their picture, but they put their profile up and make you request their picture.

You can do searches to find people that meet your criteria. For example, you could do a search of men of a certain age and height living in a certain area, like Utah. And instantly, their photos and profiles pop up. It sounds like it works, too. I’ve met many people who think it does. One thing I’ve learned: it is VERY common to be “online” if you’re single. (Prior to being single I think I probably thought desperate people, or psycho people, were online. In reality, it’s how you meet people these days.) In fact, it’s one of the first questions people ask when you meet them in person at, for example, a singles dance: What’s your name? Where do you live? What do you do? What site are you on? (It’s CRAZY being single in the 21st century!lol)

In my case, I had moved to a place where I didn’t know anyone. I was the sole parent of four children and didn’t want to spend the few precious hours each day that I have with my children away from my children meeting people. Adding to the challenge was the fact that I lived in one area and commuted to work in another city.That’s why I tried the online thing: I didn’t know what else to do to make a local friend fairly quickly.

But here’s why I lasted less than 24 hours online.

Aside from THE man (the rebound relationship guy who took me on my first date and many subsequent ones), I heard from some very unique individuals. They were a smorgasbord of qualities I wasn’t interested in, but I had decided I needed to be friendly and kind (and grateful anyone had reached out to me) so I determined to answer each and every message personally.

“Thanks so much for being friendly. Thank you so much for your kind comments about my appearance. Unfortunately, because I have a 4-year-old, I’m looking for someone a little closer to my age. Best wishes to you in your search.” (Messages like that went out to the 50-something, 60-something and 70-something year olds!)

Or, “Thanks so much for being friendly. Thanks so much for your kind comments about my appearance. Unfortunately, because I’m 5’9,” I’m looking for someone a little closer to my height. I’m sorry, it’s me–not you. I’m just not confident enough to pull off dating a shorter man. Best wishes in your search.” (Messages like that went out to the men who were 5’6″ and shorter who contacted me. I was amazed at the number of short men who contacted me, knowing my height and that on my profile I’d listed I was interested in meeting people 5’11″ or taller.)

Then there were the men in their 20s who invited me over to watch videos or “hang out.” At first I politely declined; I didn’t trust a man that young reaching out to a woman in her 40s with four kids. I couldn’t imagine what they saw in me or wanted, but I was pretty sure we weren’t after the same things!

Ditto to the men who sent me close-up pictures of their body parts. Those I deleted without a reply. But you should have seen some of the pictures! I was on a site with supposedly high moral standards, so most of the body part pictures I reference weren’t the pornography you might be imagining–although a few of those got through as well. I’m talking about close up pictures of an eye, lips and other things. They totally made me laugh. (Especially the lips!) I had to wonder, “What they were thinking taking pictures like that, much less sending them on to total strangers!” Do pictures like that REALLY woo women?

And then some men I just had to flat out block from being able to contact me. Their messages and photos were too scary.

I endured the online thing for a day, but after that first day, the number of contacts and the content of some of the messages overwhelmed me. I couldn’t spend hours on the internet hearing from strangers and attempting to be kind, polite and friendly to them all! I was the sole parent and support of four children who were, and remain, my priority. I didn’t have time for much. I guess I underestimated the reach of putting yourself online and the number of lonely, or friendly, people all across the world.

I decided I had jumped the gun. It was all too much for me. I wasn’t ready. I canceled my account.

Besides, I was having too much fun “on the rebound” with…shall we call him…Bachelor #1?

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