To anyone married prior to the invention of the internet, you may be like I used to be: clueless about the online singles thing. And although I’m still not an expert, I have (by trial and error) learned a few things. Let me share what I’ve learned. You never know, as in the case of my sister, when you’re going to need it to support your sibling whose life unexpectedly falls apart. (Thank goodness she knew something and could support my insanity at testing it out!) Here is how it works.

You find a site to join. There are a ton of them out there. You can look for free, but to meet people (ie. send or receive messages) you have to pay a fee and join. You can join for one month, three months, a year and scarily, maybe even longer. All of the sites I checked out had one month options. I looked at 3-4 sites and joined one for one month. Then you have to put yourself on the site.

You answer questions about yourself, you give basic information about your background, you list what you’re looking for in (my case) men and relationships. And you can be very specific–you can say you want to meet people of a certain height, a specific geographic area from you, with or without children or education. And of course, you should post a picture. (Some people don’t post a picture, but they say you meet a lot more people by posting a picture.) And then there are some people that don’t post their picture, but they put their profile up and make you request their picture.

You can do searches to find people that meet your criteria. For example, you could do a search of men of a certain age and height living in a certain area, like Utah. And instantly, their photos and profiles pop up. It sounds like it works, too. I’ve met many people who think it does. One thing I’ve learned: it is VERY common to be “online” if you’re single. (Prior to being single I think I probably thought desperate people, or psycho people, were online. In reality, it’s how you meet people these days.) In fact, it’s one of the first questions people ask when you meet them in person at, for example, a singles dance: What’s your name? Where do you live? What do you do? What site are you on? (It’s CRAZY being single in the 21st century!lol)

In my case, I had moved to a place where I didn’t know anyone. I was the sole parent of four children and didn’t want to spend the few precious hours each day that I have with my children away from my children meeting people. Adding to the challenge was the fact that I lived in one area and commuted to work in another city.That’s why I tried the online thing: I didn’t know what else to do to make a local friend fairly quickly.

But here’s why I lasted less than 24 hours online.

Aside from THE man (the rebound relationship guy who took me on my first date and many subsequent ones), I heard from some very unique individuals. They were a smorgasbord of qualities I wasn’t interested in, but I had decided I needed to be friendly and kind (and grateful anyone had reached out to me) so I determined to answer each and every message personally.

“Thanks so much for being friendly. Thank you so much for your kind comments about my appearance. Unfortunately, because I have a 4-year-old, I’m looking for someone a little closer to my age. Best wishes to you in your search.” (Messages like that went out to the 50-something, 60-something and 70-something year olds!)

Or, “Thanks so much for being friendly. Thanks so much for your kind comments about my appearance. Unfortunately, because I’m 5’9,” I’m looking for someone a little closer to my height. I’m sorry, it’s me–not you. I’m just not confident enough to pull off dating a shorter man. Best wishes in your search.” (Messages like that went out to the men who were 5’6″ and shorter who contacted me. I was amazed at the number of short men who contacted me, knowing my height and that on my profile I’d listed I was interested in meeting people 5’11″ or taller.)

Then there were the men in their 20s who invited me over to watch videos or “hang out.” At first I politely declined; I didn’t trust a man that young reaching out to a woman in her 40s with four kids. I couldn’t imagine what they saw in me or wanted, but I was pretty sure we weren’t after the same things!

Ditto to the men who sent me close-up pictures of their body parts. Those I deleted without a reply. But you should have seen some of the pictures! I was on a site with supposedly high moral standards, so most of the body part pictures I reference weren’t the pornography you might be imagining–although a few of those got through as well. I’m talking about close up pictures of an eye, lips and other things. They totally made me laugh. (Especially the lips!) I had to wonder, “What they were thinking taking pictures like that, much less sending them on to total strangers!” Do pictures like that REALLY woo women?

And then some men I just had to flat out block from being able to contact me. Their messages and photos were too scary.

I endured the online thing for a day, but after that first day, the number of contacts and the content of some of the messages overwhelmed me. I couldn’t spend hours on the internet hearing from strangers and attempting to be kind, polite and friendly to them all! I was the sole parent and support of four children who were, and remain, my priority. I didn’t have time for much. I guess I underestimated the reach of putting yourself online and the number of lonely, or friendly, people all across the world.

I decided I had jumped the gun. It was all too much for me. I wasn’t ready. I canceled my account.

Besides, I was having too much fun “on the rebound” with…shall we call him…Bachelor #1?