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In The Minority

Date: October 25, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

“The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.” (Ralph W. Sockman)

My ex-husband realized he was in the minority when he first arrived at the minimum security of the incarceration facility. He was part of a group of five inmates. The deputy asked, “How many of you have been here before?” He was shocked to see he was the ONLY ONE who didn’t raise his hand!

He couldn’t help but notice as a white man, without a tattoo, he was again in the minority at the facility.

As he got to know the personal situations of the men, he realized that having been married to one woman for 20 years and having four children with just one woman, also put him in the minority. Most of the men he met had children with several women. One man had eight children by seven women!

Another way he differed from the majority of the inmates he interacted with was in the language he used. He may have been the first inmate in history to attempt to express himself forcefully not with profanity, but with his own “strong” words: “darn it,” “shucks,” and “crap.” The other men in jail began to use those same words around him, saying them with a smile, and then laughing as they mocked his vernacular totally unexpected in the inside.

But it’s ok to be different. Even in the unexpected life. Even in prison.

The man in the minority didn’t completely “fit in” to the environment in which he lived. And the men in the majority excelled in tolerance for his “oddities.” Their friendship grew despite their differences. And as inmates arrived and departed for other facilities and other places, they were sad to see each other go.

“Happy trails to you, until we meet again.” (Dale Evans Rogers)

It can happen. Even in prison.

The First 24 Hours

Date: October 23, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

“The beauty, the poetry of the fear in their eyes. I didn’t mind going to jail for, what, five, six hours? It was absolutely worth it.” (Johnny Depp)

Jail. According to Hollwood, criminals get to make a phone call. But I never got one that day from the only criminal I’ve ever known: my ex-husband. He told me later, “I didn’t call anyone with my call. I couldn’t remember your number. I just froze.”

He sent a letter to my children and educated us about his new life and summed it up by saying, “Well, I finished my first 24 hours in jail and…I don’t recommend it!”

He had spent seven hours on a concrete bench waiting to go to the Evaluation Mod, a medium security block/area: a 7 x 12 room with a combination sink and toilet and two mats–for two men. The men were released from the cell three hours each day and could use the time to watch t.v. or shower.

“Locks reset every hour, so it is very loud. The first time I heard it I thought someone shot a gun. It goes on all night, 24/7. They don’t shut the lights off, so you sleep in the light.”

He was later moved to a minimum security Mod: one big room with 64 beds on one side, a large common area with two 24″ t.v.s (but the men have to purchase headphones to listen to the t.v.) Also in the room were six round stainless steel tables with attached metal stools, with a chess/checker board etched into the top (but the men have to purchase the game pieces.) Breakfast was served at 5 a.m., lunch at 11 a.m. and dinner at 5 p.m. Breakfast consisted of a hard boiled egg, “mystery meat” and a biscuit. Lunch was a piece of pastrami, a chunk of “smelly black bread,” a cookie and orange jello. Dinner was chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and mixed vegetables.

He spent a lot of time describing his new life for one reason. “I want to make sure you guys know what can happen if you mess up and don’t take care of it. I don’t get to make many choices. I get to choose to eat or not to eat and when to shower. Everything else is chosen for me. I am all alone. In a cage.”

I have a new perspective on prison: “Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage.”

I’ve seen for myself that life goes on, even on “the inside.” You simply have to choose to live it. Whatever you’re handed, wherever you are.

And I Am Going To Have…

Date: October 10, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

I remember the night my middle son asked, “Does it stink to have an ex-husband?”

And how trying to look for the good, led me to respond, “It is a bummer, but I guess it’s better than never having had any husband at all!”

That was also the night he told me I needed to get a boyfriend.

I told him I didn’t need a boyfriend. He replied, “That’s right, because you’re too busy working and you have to spend time with us kids, too.”

Ever the mother, I corrected him. “No, I WANT to spend time with you. I GET to spend time with you. I love being a mom, I don’t do any of this because I ‘have’ to.”

Poor guy, he had a lot of thoughts and feelings to work through; because a few nights later, he said, “It would be a bummer to have a stepdad.”

One year ago, when those conversations took place, it was hard for me to imagine that situation AT ALL. But I did tell him, “I don’t think you can ever have too many men be an influence for good in your life. You can never have too many good men who love you and are there for you. And you can never have too many friends. I don’t see a problem with that situation at all!” (Nothing like optimism, huh?)

I also shared with him the many good men who have been an influence for good in my life since my own dad passed away. My life has been greatly enriched by many men who have cared about me, loved me, served me, counseled me and helped me in a variety of ways the past 24 years.

I don’t know that I’d totally convinced my son at that point, but I could see him thinking–and he at least had the good grace to nod his head in agreement with me.

Cut to 2010.

I was walking in the hall of my son’s elementary school a few days ago and saw his picture hanging on the wall above an essay he had written about himself. It was all very cute, but one part caught my eye and I had to read and re-read it, over and over again. It made me shake my head…and smile.

“What makes me happy? My mom is getting married and I am going to have a stepdad.”

Frederick Keonig said, “We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

What a huge advantage for my son to learn that at only 10 years old. He’s light years ahead of many other people, especially and including adults, many of whom have yet to learn that important lesson. And once again, we have our unexpected life to thank for that.

Better Than Never

Date: May 24, 2010  Author: Andrea Merriman

One day shortly after my divorce was final and I moved to Utah, my middle son, then 9 years old, came to me and expressed his feelings: divorce was a bummer.

I had to agree with him.

Then he asked, “Mom, is it a huge bummer that now you have an ex-husband?”

I had to stop and think about that for a minute. An ex-husband was certainly nothing I ever expected to have. And I’d heard plenty of horror stories about former spouses over the years!

All I could think to say was this: “You know, it certainly isn’t something I ever wanted. But for me, I guess having an ex-husband is better than never having had a husband at all!”

I have never been quick enough on my feet. But I’ve always been decent at attempting to put a positive spin on things, especially for my children. Even ex-husbands.

I remain a fan of men AND marriage. (You just can’t kill the love of fairy tales and happy endings in me.)

“After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things. First, never wallpaper together and second, you’ll need two bathrooms…both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.” (Dennis Miller, comedian)

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